


One Way Out

by MyHusbyLooksLikeJoel (Jackswife)



Series: No Ellie [1]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:16:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 28,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6883114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackswife/pseuds/MyHusbyLooksLikeJoel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Joel wakes up as an exile, everything in his life seems to have gone to shit. He has a pistol and one bullet and is in a derelict town full of infected in his boxers. He knows his chances are low, and decides there's only one way out.</p><p>Tells the story of what happens if Joel and Ellie listen to all of the tape in Colorado, starting from close to the end. Multi-Chapter fic, close to completed at 26k words. Expect twice weekly updates, Tuesdays and Fridays.</p><p>Rape/Non-con is not graphic, as is the suicide and the chapters they feature in will be clearly labelled. Underage tag is for Ellie/Joel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Exiled: Part One

When Joel woke up he was freezing, stiff, near-naked. He was bruised and his head hurt like hell. His assailants had left him with a 9mm Colt Defender and a single bullet, the message clear in this ruined and infested town. All in all he’d had better days. He sat up, carefully with the wince of the hung-over and half concussed. An inventory of his body confirmed that all body parts were still present, and if not completely correct, at least most of the way there. No serious wounds, only minor blood loss, and one very sore knuckle from the only punch he had gotten in before they grabbed him. He had bruises round his wrists and ankles from being restrained and on his ribs and chest from the beating that he took afterwards.

With some trepidation he struggled to his feet, stumbled to the corner and dropped his boxers to his knees so he could examine his dick and take a piss in the bucket. Not even lightly damaged. He guessed he could thank Tommy for that. Not that he’d ever be able to tell him. The last thing he remembered before the descent of the rifle butt was a warning: “Never come back to Jackson; we shoot exiles on sight”.

Joel’s heart ached worse than any of his wounds. Whenever he closed his eyes he saw Ellie yanked from his arms, again and again. More than anything else, he hoped she was OK. She’d lost so much in her life, suffered so much that the last thing she needed was to be alone in the exact way she feared.

A quick check of his surroundings revealed Joel had his boxers, one pallet and blanket, a white bucket (part-filled), one five gallon jug of water, the pistol, and one steel door, unlocked but with a bar that he can shut himself in with. The windows are shuttered over with the type of covers Joel remembered from foreclosed housing before the infection. No infected would be bothering him tonight. As the light began to fade, he realised there was no point to heading out to hunt for supplies and moved to the pallet to make his uncomfortable body as comfortable as possible. Joel sank down onto the tatty mattress and wrapped himself in the thin green blanket. He hoped to avoid the most uncomfortable of his recollections before sleep came.

Joel woke up, alone, in his exile cell. The view outside was limited, but it looked safe enough to venture outside. On the doorstep was a box. It had a pair of Joel’s jeans and an anonymous shirt all the people who guarded the wall in Jackson wore. There was a hunting knife with a deer antler handle he thought he recognised and some canned food- chilli and peaches. Two of his favourites. At the bottom was a letter.

_“Dear Joel, I can’t believe what I’m hearing about you. They’re saying Ellie’s your daughter, which I’m sure ain’t true. They’re saying you’ve been fucking her, have been for years. That you’ve lied all this time It don’t sound like you to me. But maybe the brother I know died 20 or more years ago and some monster lives in your body now. Either way, I’ll take care of Ellie. Monster or not you were my brother and I owe you that much. Don’t expect I’ll ever see you again. Take care, Tommy”_

The letter explained a lot, filled in a few blanks Joel had. Like why he’d been grabbed from the pretty little home he shared with the only person he had cared about in years, the only woman he’d ever felt like he could spend the rest of his life with. And the beating, the sore head, hell, the whole damned thing.

Joel dragged the box inside, put on the clothes, pocketed the knife and opened the chili. After he ate he went back outside. The house he was currently calling “home” was on a short street of similar properties. The back of his had collapsed, leaving only the room he was using, but the rest looked fairly intact. The windows were still glazed and the doors closed which meant they could have useful supplies. While he searched, methodically and without a great deal of thought he needled himself with the word Tommy had used.

“Monster.” That’s what people thought he was. A pervert, screwing his own daughter for some sick reason. The thought of touching Sarah the way that he touched Ellie made him feel so nauseated he has to pause in his search to calm himself for fear of losing precious calories. He’d never touch a child that way either. Ellie grew up faster than kids before the infection started, but he had still waited for her to be sure before he touched her. True, they’d shared kisses before then and he would admit to an uneasy attraction for the girl, but he’d waited. Nothing they’d ever done had been something she didn’t want either. He’d only acted on his attraction for her in the first place because she begged him for a kiss like a lover to erase the lips of a man who had wanted to defile her. If that made him monstrous, then he’d done enough in other avenues of his life, enough lying, thieving and violence to have earned the label long ago. He’d known he was going to hell ever since Sarah had died and he had done whatever was necessary to survive.

After an hour he had searched the five safest looking homes on the street. He’d gotten lucky. Nobody else had beaten him to the houses. Joel had found a new pack in the first house, clothes in the third and fourth, and books in the fifth. Between all of them he had also found plenty of cans, including a can of coffee he was desperately hoping might still be good. He’d gotten bandages and a tube of antiseptic ointment to put himself back together and enough components for shivs that he wouldn’t have to worry about breaking the hunting knife. There had been no ammo though, and though Joel had heard of people making their own flamethrowers, even seen one at the university, he couldn’t find enough parts or fuel to put one together. So far, his only option was to stay put. But stay put for what exactly? Ellie didn’t know where he was and Tommy seemed to really have disowned him this time. When he had lost Sarah it had been Tommy that kept him alive, and given him something to fight for. Without him, without Ellie, where would he go from here? Everyone he knew in Boston was either gunning for him or dead. He’d have to start over, again, with a new hole where his heart should be.

Another option occurred to him. He’d go hunting for a pen and a pad tomorrow. If he was going to kill himself, he would at least leave something of himself behind. For now, he’d settle with a book and wait.

Joel’s shoeless feet hurt. They were bruised, scraped and cut to hell from searching through the safer regions of the derelict town. He’d only had to choke out a couple of listless runners, no signs of the other infected types but, perhaps paradoxically, he was taking care. If he was going to go out, he’d be the one in control. He’d found several pens, all dried up from the years. He’d also gotten a notebook, with skull and crossbones on the front that felt appropriate, and finally a few pencils, an eraser and a sharpener. Joel scooped the lot into a pocket and turned to head back to the cell. He hadn’t bothered looking for shoes. There hadn’t seemed much point.

That morning Joel had picked out the spot. There was an old three level house, with a part of its roof missing. Sitting there against the back wall, he’d be able to see the sky, the mountains, watch one more sunset and then: oblivion. He had long since given up any hope of heaven. The memories of the deaths, the damage and the misdeeds he had done were more than enough to help along to meet the reaper without the losses he had suffered along the way. It was funny really, looking at the balance sheet of his life. Each good thing Joel had tried to do wiped out with death and bad acts. He had hoped to find some measure of redemption in his relationship with Ellie, and she did. She gave him 9 months of solid frustration, sexual and otherwise. And then she gave him nearly 18 months of bliss and solace. She made him feel like a good man. Helped him to pretend.

Without her, the darkness had come rushing back. He seated himself now on the pallet and began to write the last letters of his life. Each sentence was a struggle to find the right words. He’d never been a man to use words to express himself, preferring to show affection with his actions, the gifts he gave to people, the way that he touched them. As the sun began to set again, Joel knew he was entering his last 24 hours alive. With that plan set, he did what he always did before facing the enemy. He slept.  


	2. Wyoming: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes us back in time to the start of this story. While the game starts us out in Boston, this particular story is about Jackson, Colorado and Jackson again. We start with Ellie stealing a horse, but things go a little differently than they do in the game.
> 
> I know I said I'd post on Tuesdays and Fridays, but it turns out RL is interfering this weekend. Enjoy this chapter early.

“Dammit Tommy, will you just listen to your big brother for once in your life?” Joel yelled from his horse.

“Joel, it ain’t safe to be out here on your own,” said Tommy, half pleading.

Joel scrubbed his hand through his beard. He and Tommy had tracked the horse Ellie stole clean through the night and it was approaching noon on the second day. The forested track they were on buzzed with the sounds of insects hoping to make one last meal before the end of the fall.

“It ain't safe to be out here at all. We didn’t know how long this would take yesterday. Little brother, your wife scares me. I hate to think what she’d do to me if you don’t make it back there in one piece. You head back now; I’ll be there when Ellie and I get done. They need you at home.”

Joel saw the reluctance in his brother’s eyes but Tommy turned his horse round and headed back the way they had come. Twenty minutes of slow trot later Joel and his horse (Joel had taken to calling him “horse”) came into a clearing in the trees. The prints led off downhill to the left of the trail. Weaving through the undergrowth Joel spotted the horse Ellie had taken mooching her way along, nibbling at the plants growing around her. Against the shiny, brown coat of the horse, Ellie’s white, purple and pink jacket stood out. She was slumped leaning forward in the saddle and Joel moved forward speedily to check she was unhurt. That she was still with the horse had to be a good sign.

“Hey, Ellie. You alright?” he asked softly.

Ellie straightened up and wiped her eyes, looking round for the source of the noise. Joel waited to see if she bolted again.

“Joel,” she said sleepily, and yawned. It seemed her tiredness was currently outweighing her anger and it made him want to get her indoors so they could rest.

“There’s a small shack a little ways back. We’ll be safe there so you can get some rest.”

“We?” Ellie turned her horse back to the trail, even as she needled at Joel. Her eyes were swollen with lack of rest, and dark circles under them made her look bruised.

“You don’t think I’d leave you alone do you?” Joel asked.

“After what you said back there Joel, I’m not sure,” Ellie yawned round her words again. “Show me this shack then, I could use the rest.”

Their horses walked slowly in file along the path until they reached the shack a few minutes later. Joel dismounted and used a shiv to pop the padlock on the door. Although the whole building was wood, it had been well taken care of before the outbreak and the roof was still good. It looked like it had been a forester’s shack, with maps of the area and tree care posters on the walls. The shack was small, just large enough for a twin bed, a stove and a small store cupboard. Above head height, all around the room were books. The topics covered ranged from land management, hunting, fishing, and outdoorsman manuals, but also fiction and even a couple of human sciences books. The bed was made up with a thick blue blanket. There were towels to match in the storage cupboard, along with some cans of food, two bars of soap, a six-pack of toilet paper. There was a box of shells for Joel’s shotgun, a folding fishing rod and lures, and a kit that looked like it was for making snares. A search under the bed turned up a box with clothes in it. They fit Joel, so he took the socks and underwear, and a reddish brown flannel shirt and two black t-shirts.

“Ellie, why don’t you get some rest? I’ll take care of the horses and set up some snares to see if we can’t catch something fresh to eat for breakfast.”

“I’m, um, I still want to talk to you,” Ellie said nervously.

“I know. I promise we will talk when I get back,” Joel replied.

Ellie was already shedding her long-sleeved shirts, giving Joel a perfect view of her soft, creamy stomach. He willed himself to get it together, to stop staring, to stop picturing her as sexy. To give himself something else to focus on he started building a fire in the stove, and suppressed a shudder at the sound of her zipper being lowered. She paused, jeans hanging open and showing her pastel pink underwear, her upper half covered only with a red sports bra.

“Joel, can I have one of your shirts to sleep in?”

“Uh, yeah, lemme get you the cleanest one, OK?” Joel said, rummaging in his pack.

He handed her his favourite, the green one he had been wearing when they first met in Boston. She held it up to her nose and smiled.

“Smells like you,” she murmured.

She started to scramble out of her bra and jeans before Joel could even get turned round. His cock lurched to life over the glimpse of pale breast he had seen before flipping round.

“I’ll be back soon,” he told her, before heading out and telling himself he wasn’t fleeing her.

Joel set up the pickets for the horses, removed their saddles and let them roam. He walked away from the hut for a bit more than a mile, downhill, away from the trail and towards the stream. He put several noose snares over rabbit burrows that he found before returning to the cabin.

He couldn’t help thinking of Ellie back there waiting for him. His thoughts skipped from stripping her off, to her demurely wearing his shirt, to her straddling him, hair around her shoulders and shirt unbuttoned to reveal her red-haired pussy and the curves of her cleavage. He stopped walking and groaned. He’d never been one for crushes, not since he discovered the combination of high school footballer and soulful singer would win him most any girl he wanted. He’s way too old to be crushing on a girl who is barely legal. Or would be if laws still existed for such things. Not that it mattered; there’s no way that a sweet young thing like her would go for a guy like him. Joel felt old, jaded, grizzled.

A short distance from the hut, close enough to see the smoke and the roofline, but far enough that he can’t be seen from the windows, Joel stopped again. His cock had been begging for attention since he left the cabin and he decided to do something about it rather than being obscene and returning to the cabin for the night and sleeping next to her with a raging hard on.

Leaning against a tree he opened his jeans and dropped them and his underwear down over his hips to give himself space. He took himself in hand and tried to picture his ex-wife Lucy, Tess, his sometimes lover back in Boston, even Emma Stone, his favourite actress pre-collapse. His mind returned constantly to Ellie. He suspected she was a virgin, although he imagined she must have experimented some, like most teenagers. He would love to plumb just how deep that experience went.

He groaned and moved his hand faster over his erection. He used a finger-tip to swirl pre-cum on the inside of his foreskin to help it slide easier over the thick head. He imagined her, imagined teaching her to be the perfect lover. He imagined bending her over against this tree and thrusting into her wildly, roughly taking vengeance for running away from him. She was on her knees, mouth full of his cock, looking up at him with those big, green eyes, her lips spread lewdly around his girth. On her back, legs wrapped around his hips, he was thrusting deeply and she was begging for more, harder, faster, deeper. He buried his face in her pussy, slurping on her juices, making her scream and half drowning, she was so wet. He hauled her up his body, pushed her round so he could eat her while she sucked his dick. Her ass pink from the spanking he gave her, but her pussy was dripping juices onto his cock.

He moaned aloud as he came, cock spurting onto the forest floor. He rested heavily back against the tree, slowly pulling his pants back up. Now he felt like he wouldn’t catch fire when he looked at her, or explode when he touched her, he headed back to the shack.

He pushed the door open gently so as not to disturb her. He’d never mentioned it to her, but the first time they met- her jumping on him with a knife to protect Marlene had always impressed him. He had no urge to be on the receiving end again, especially since he had armed her with firearms and a bunch of extra tricks and tips for hand to hand combat.

She was asleep and didn’t stir when he came in. Her red hair was spread out loose over the pillow, and her bare legs poked out from under the blanket to her knees. Joel paused, absolutely not taking a moment to watch her sleep, then grabbed his sleeping bag from his pack, stripped off his boots and jeans and made a pillow from them before settling on the floor to catch a little sleep while he could.


	3. Wyoming: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel wakes up, makes up with Ellie, eats up and cleans up.

When Joel awoke a couple of hours later, the sun was beginning to set. He immediately looked round for Ellie, and found her sitting cross-legged on the bed, fidgeting.

“Oh thank God,” she said, shortly.

“What?”

“Joel, move! I can’t open the door with you lying there and I need to pee.”

Ellie stood and Joel rolled to his feet. He shuffled after her onto the porch, still wrapped in his sleeping bag.

“Traps are off that way, can you try not to disturb ‘em while you’re out there?” he pointed.

“How far are you thinking I’m going to go Joel?”

“Well, darlin’ you do seem to like your privacy when you wake up,” Joel drawled.

Ellie flushed and turned to run round the building in the opposite direction to the one he had indicated. Joel went back to his pack, grabbed the toilet paper and held it out the door just in time for Ellie to come back round the building and snatch it from his hands.

“Thanks Joel,” she called as she passed.

When she returned, she found Joel brewing tea from the herbs he had traded for in Jackson. They’d done well there, arriving laden with meat and pelts, and some books that Ellie had grabbed while he wasn’t looking. He handed her a cup of zingy scented Lemon Verbena tea and watched as she sniffed it suspiciously.

“I know,” he said in response to her raised eyebrow, “but they didn’t have any of the spearmint I like or your usual chamomile.”

She sipped at the cup, cautiously and seemed to accept it even if the affection for her normal brew wasn’t there.

“You want to talk now?” he asked, gesturing for her to join him sitting on the bed. He knew he was no good at explaining himself with words and now he had to fix a relationship with a teenage girl he’d been trying very hard not to cultivate in the first place. The anger he had felt at her fleeing him had burned out overnight, leaving behind sadness.

“Sure,” she said, reticently. With her arms held close to her body, she looked like she was trying to hide behind the cup.

“Look, you got to understand. When I said you should go on with Tommy, I meant cause he knows the Fireflies and they know him. I never wanted anything to do with their damn cause and if things hadn’t been so tempting for Tess in Boston she never would have taken their deal. Then we wouldn’t be here now,” he paused, thinking of how if that was the case, Ellie would probably have been killed by infected or hunters by now. “I trust Tommy. More than I trust myself. He’s what kept me going… after… after…” he trailed off.

“After Sarah,” Ellie asked. She still looked closed off, even with Joel trying to open up to her.

“Now where did you hear that name?” Joel asked his tone slightly more angry than curious.

“Maria told me, back in Jackson, while you and Tommy were talking.”

“Well dammit; it ain’t her place to be tellin’ you that sort of thing.” Joel sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes and down through his beard. “Yeah, after Sarah died, I would have died without Tommy basically holding my hand. For weeks he kept his shit together, kept us alive. After that I tried to live my life to pay him back. Not that I always made the best of choices.”

Joel took a big swallow of his tea, grimacing and wishing it was bourbon. He went silent, not knowing what to say next.

“Joel,” Ellie started. “I was surprised when it was you that woke me up. I was expecting Tommy. I figured I would never see you again. Everyone I have ever cared about has died or left me. You had me thinking I would be adding you to that list.”

Joel was shocked. After all, he might have planned for her to go with Tommy, but he would have talked to her first, made sure she was OK with it. That she understood why it had to be that way. He knew he had no chance at keeping her safe and he would be damned if he would ruin yet another young person’s life with the stain of his own.

“Ellie, I wasn’t walking away from you. Or anything you did. It’s just; everything I’ve been anywhere near for the last twenty, twenty-five years has turned to shit. My marriage, my daughter, my relationship with Tommy. Hell, you watched it happen with Tess. I didn’t want that for you. But if you’ll let me, I’ll take you to the Fireflies, or any other place you want to go.”

Ellie was looking at him with wide eyes filled with tears. It made them look extra green. She hugged him hard and buried her face in his shoulder. Joel wrapped his arms around her and held her close, pressing his lips to her hair. It looked like she forgave him.

Joel held Ellie for far longer than he thought he should have, grateful to have spilled his load not long before for the control it gave him over his unusually wayward cock. He stirred, and started to pull away from her.

“You OK?” he asked.

“Better now. Thanks Joel,” Ellie murmured.

“Hey, no problem,” Joel replied. “Anything for you.”

He cringed internally, hoping it wasn’t on his face, but he relaxed when Ellie smiled.

She stood, and pulled off Joel’s shirt over her head. She got dressed in her work clothes- both she and Joel had clothes for being outside and clothes for indoors. She put on the black long sleeved thermal and then followed it with her reddish tropical themed shirt. Joel couldn’t help noticing she hadn’t replaced her bra. He knew the image he had caught from the corner of his eye of her stripping off his shirt would feature in his dreams for weeks to come.

“Shall we go check the traps?” she asked him.

“Sure, if you want to eat tonight,” Joel responded.

They set off carefully towards where Joel had set the traps, so that they didn’t scare off more game on route. As they moved, Joel thought about staying here at least another day. The place was clearly on a rarely used trail, they’d seen no signs of infected at all and both he and Ellie were exhausted. He asked her on the way back to the cabin with two rabbits to butcher. She seemed keen.

“Ellie, can you skin these?” Joel asked as they arrived at the cabin, shaking the rabbits in her direction.

“Oh, gross Joel!” she squealed.

“That doesn’t really answer my question does it?” Joel smirked.

“Yeah, I **can** , they made us learn in survival camp at the school. I even managed to my first one without puking which is more than some of my classmates can say.”

“I’m impressed, but I guess you don’t really want to? It’s this or chopping wood for the fire. You pick,” said Joel.

*****

Later, Ellie rubbed at a blister the axe had left on her left palm.

“Knew I should have taken the rabbits,” she scowled.

Joel tried to hide a smile at her grumbling.

“Have you had a look through the books up there, Ellie?” he asked.

“Yeah. There’s a couple here on fishing and hunting, could be useful. I know we aren’t heading back to Jackson for a while but there’s some fiction and a book about anatomy their library could use.”

“Sure, we can take it now. Just, y’know, we might have to get rid of it later.”

“I know, I know,” she carped, good-naturedly.

He finished up skewering the rabbits and grabbed the late autumn greens and mushrooms he had gathered. He roasted the meat and used some of the fat that dripped off to fry off the vegetables.

“No offence Joel, but I’m not eating any fucking mushroom after what I’ve seen you do to clicker heads.”

Joel hoped that she thought the shadow crossing his face was related to her rejection and not her complaint about what he was prepared to do to keep her alive.

“More for me” he said, with a brittle half smile.

After they ate, Ellie wiped the plates. Joel heated a pan of water on the stove and asked if Ellie wouldn’t mind stepping out to give him some privacy to wash up. He stripped off his shirt, took his wash cloth, wet it and rubbed on soap. He rubbed the cloth over the fuzz of his underarms, before he rinsed clean. He stood, opened his belt buckle and undid his fly. He dropped his jeans and as he turned to drop them onto his pack he could have sworn that he saw a face outlined with that copper colour her hair goes in the firelight. He paid it no mind and cleaned off his cock from his earlier orgasm, wiped his balls and ass, then stripped off his socks and washed his feet. He dried off and got dressed in his indoor gear, a soft, long sleeved, dingy white ribbed tee and a pair of dark grey sweatpants. He opened the door to see Ellie looking slightly more flushed than he would expect for how cold it was outside.

“You want some time to get clean?” he asked, then stepped outside when she said yes.

Joel stood in the cold, looking up at the stars. He tried to stop himself from thinking of Ellie in the cabin, stripped off, hair trying to curl in the steam, body wet, slick and soapy; those pink nipples hardening in the not-quite-warm air.

“Dammit, Joel, you are 48 years old. You ain’t meant to be popping boners like some horny high school junior,” he growled to himself.


	4. Wyoming: Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie has a bad dream; Joel has a good one.

Joel snapped awake in the darkness. They’d had to move on from the hut on the trail and this new place hadn’t felt so secure. They were sleeping in a derelict town, in a church that was used way back when as a staging area. They hadn’t seen any signs of Cordyceps at all in the town but that didn’t mean there weren’t infected. Hunters didn’t seem to have found the place, and it was quiet. Joel was suspicious when things were too easy.

The basement they’d picked had two exits, which was the only reason that he had agreed to use it as a sleeping place. He’d built himself a pallet from several cot mattresses, piled two thick to give himself protection from the cold floor, and covered in blankets he’d grabbed while pulling apart the cots. The bed might smell musty but it was more comfortable than some of the places that they had slept in the course of their journey. He was sleeping in one alcove, and around the corner from him Ellie had her own. The privacy was welcome after sleeping right up against each other in the trail hut.

He’d definitely heard something and was reaching for his shotgun, propped against the wall that was serving as his headboard. He hoped it was just a rat, but moved as quietly as possible in case it was much worse. At least he couldn’t hear that familiar echo-click that meant Clickers to fend off as quietly as possible.

“Joel? Are you awake?” Ellie whispered, hoarsely, her voice roughened with sleep.

He sighed, relieved that he hadn’t shot first and asked questions later.

“Yeah, Ellie, what’s up?” he rasped, his voice equally rough with lack of use.

She heaved a great sigh. “Nothing, never mind,” she said, sounding conflicted.

Joel reached for his flashlight, set to lantern mode, and switched it on. It revealed Ellie standing in the doorway, looking paler than usual in a long, previously white, now dingy grey t-shirt.

“Now come on, darlin’, something bothered you enough to come wake me up,” he drawled.

She came a little closer and took a deep breath.

“IhadabaddreamcanIsleepherewithyou?” she gushed.

“Say again?” he asked, sure she couldn’t have asked for what he thought she had.

“Uh, I had a bad dream; can I sleep here with you?”

“Ellie,” Joel prevaricated. He was hoping to get away without giving her something that would bring her sweet teenaged body into such close proximity to his obviously perverse cock.

“Please Joel; I’ll do all the chores tomorrow without complaining.”

“Gah, fine. But stay still. You squirm or steal the blankets and you’re going back to your own bed.”

“Thanks, Joel.”

For the first time, Joel noticed her eyes were red, like she had been crying before she came to see him. It brought out a protective streak in him. He’d been responsible for her physical safety since Boston, but now he realised he wanted to take care of her emotionally as well. Oh, he was in deep.

“You want to talk about that dream?” he asked. He felt a little fatherly at the question which wasn’t the best of feelings to combine with rampant lust but it did seem to be keeping his cock from the worst of misbehaviour.

“Uh, well,” she started, snuggling up close. That hadn’t been part of his game plan but he couldn’t find it in him to protest. “You were bitten by a runner and you begged me to shoot you. I didn’t want to do it because I would be alone in a world full of monsters but you kept pleading. So you gave me your pistol, I pointed it at your face and then when I pulled the trigger I woke up. I couldn’t shake the feeling something had happened to you so I came to check.”

“That’s what I would want Ellie. Don’t go leaving me to hurt other people if I do get bit.”

“I won’t Joel. But I’m glad you’re ok,” she said, squeezing his body with the arm she had thrown across it.

“Me too, Ellie, me too,” he soothed, stroking her in gentle circles with the hand behind her.

She put her head down onto his chest, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and within minutes her breathing had evened out and was long and slow. He lay there in the dark, his dick half hard, reminding himself that this was nothing like all the times he had lain like this post-coitally. It took him over an hour before he could persuade himself to follow her into sleep.

*****

“Joel, wake **up**.”

“W’zut?”

“Joel, for fuck’s sake, wake up you monumental **cock**.” He felt her shaking him with as much strength as she could muster.

Joel rose from sleep more gradually than the last time. He’d been having the most perfect dream, thrusting into a soft and compliant Ellie with abandon. She’d been everything he had imagined and more, and he felt her on a level that was visceral.

 As focus returned and reality exerted itself two very significant facts came to light: firstly, he and Ellie were sharing the very edge of the bed he’d gone to sleep on, and he was plastered firmly against her back. Secondly, he was hard. Very hard. Could cut glass hard. And pressed against that sinful ass.

“Shit.”

“Yeah, I’m about falling out here; you want to let me back in the bed?”

“Damn, Ellie, if you were falling out, why didn’t you leave?”

“I tried. You grumbled, grabbed hold and wouldn’t let go. And then you started thrusting like some horny rabbit or something. Having sweet dreams were you?”

“Uh,” he vocalised, trying not to think of just how sweet his dreams had been, of how accurate her assessment had been.

“Look, much as I’m enjoying this, can you move?”

He rolled back across the bed, fully expecting her to leave. She didn’t. He willed his cock to soften, to give him half a hope of falling back asleep before dawn. He was never, ever going to mention this again, and hoped that she would do the same.

“Go back to sleep Ellie, we’ve got a way to go before we get to the University and I want to be there tomorrow,” he grumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm ahead of where I thought I would be and only have to spit and polish four chapters before the work is complete. With that being the case, and with this being one of the shorter chapters in the whole thing I figured you guys could have an extra one today.
> 
> More on Friday, C.


	5. Colorado: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Joel reach University of Eastern Colorado. AU-Joel is more patient than canon-Joel. Joel has to make a tough decision.

They hadn’t made the university in one stretch like Joel had hoped. The weather had gone against them and they had ended up camping out in a lakeshore cabin in what looked like an ancient resort. Joel had liked the place, other than no longer having electricity or running water it seemed like a good place to live. Relatively isolated with no signs of regular human visitation, it would certainly make a safe place to stop off.

  
Joel set Ellie up in the hut and left her there. He wanted, needed, some time to himself after the incessant chatting of the last couple of days. He spent the early afternoon in the fog fishing. Nothing bit, but it felt like a strangely, comfortingly prosaic way to spend the afternoon after all of the strife the two of them had faced on their trip so far.

  
*****

  
They’d searched the whole university. There was nothing here except for some old infected in the basement of one of the dormitory buildings. They’d picked up a flamethrower for Joel and some needed supplies, but found nothing of interest except monkeys until they got into the last laboratory in the Science building. Joel picked up the recorder and clicked play. He was tempted to fast forward through the dull parts but wondered if he might miss something important if he did.

  
“If you’re looking for Fireflies, they’ve all left. I’m dead, or will be soon. Got me some time to reflect… I dedicated my life to this cause, now I won’t get to see whether we make it or not. I joined the Fireflies shortly after the outbreak. Here was a group willing to do whatever it took to save use from this plague when the government was willing to retreat to ghettos. I couldn’t just give up on our country, give up on humanity. God, that sounds trite… Anyway… There have been years that felt like we were onto something. Like we might actually eradicate this thing… Those were usually followed by years of utter despair, like this whole thing was a giant waste of time. It feels like the past few years were more of the latter. We haven’t had a breakthrough since the passive vaccine test we ran, what? Five years ago now? Now this entire lab has been compromised and the higher-ups want to abandon the university. I’m just fuckin’ tired, I can’t do this anymore- I’m NOT gonna do this anymore. If you’ve made it here looking for others, they’ve all returned to St. Mary’s Hospital in Salt Lake City. You’ll find them there, still trying to save the world. Good luck.”

  
The tape clicked to a halt. Joel noticed movement in the room across the small courtyard in front of them and pulled Ellie down next to him.

  
“Holy shit Joel, did I hear that right? Did that tape say they tested a passive vaccine?”

  
“Not now, Ellie. We gotta get out of here. Hunters over there, look.”

  
They moved back down the hall they had come by. Joel took his shotgun and made short work of three hunters that appeared in front of them. Another was waiting and lunged at him as they walked onto the balcony and tried to throw him over. The momentum of the movement took them both over, Joel falling to the right and the hunter on his left falling onto an exposed piece of steel in the rubble. Winded, but otherwise unhurt Joel rolled to his feet and called Ellie down to him.

  
“Ellie, c’mon, we can take this door out here.”

  
Serendipity being finite, the door burst inwards the moment he finished speaking. Without the benefit of cover, Joel had nowhere to hide from the three goons heading straight for him. He threw a Molotov straight for them, setting two on fire and deterring the third for long enough for Ellie to climb down and for Joel to rearm. He reloaded his shotgun first, and then checked his revolver and rifle. He grabbed a piece of pipe from the scrapheap, had no time to tape a shiv to it but it felt good in his hands.

  
Together they moved swiftly but quietly through the decrepit university buildings and overgrown grounds. He sheltered Ellie with whatever protection his body could offer. Twenty minutes later, four bow shots and three choke-outs had them at their horses. The opposition hadn’t been too harsh which was good because he hoped not to have to fight too hard after that fall.

  
He helped Ellie onto Callous before he climbed onto Horse and they galloped away. He pushed Ellie and the horses hard for a mile, then after a short break at a walk kept moving for another fifteen to make sure they had plenty of space between them and their pursuers. After over an hour without signs or sight of the hunters from the university or anyone else he let the horses rest. He knew Tommy kept good animals but without these two they’d have been dead by now. They would need them, whatever was to come next.

  
*****

  
As they approached the lakeside cabins they had stayed outside of Boulder, he turned back to Ellie and gestured for her to ride level with him. He had questions.

  
“What had you so excited back there? Somethin’ ‘bout vaccines?"

  
“Yeah. Remember that anatomy book that I picked up to take to Jackson? At least, I thought it was anatomy, it’s more like a human sciences book.”

  
“I don’t see how this links back to some damn Fireflies."

  
“Would you just let me tell it?” she paused until he nodded. “Alright then. A passive vaccine is made by harvesting antibodies and injecting them into a person. So if the Fireflies made a passive vaccine they had to have people who’re immune, right?”

  
“And harvested their antibodies,” Joel supplied.

  
“Right. Then they must’ve injected them into healthy people. Joel, the trial failed. They infected people to test a vaccine. They must’ve killed them…” she looked like she was going to be sick. He knew the feeling.

  
“Well, shit Ellie, that can’t be right? I ain’t heard of anyone else ever bein’ immune, have you? What did Marlene say when she found out you were immune?”

  
“She told me I was the only one.”

  
“Then either she was lyin’ or they’ve done somethin’ to all the immune people too and I ain’t sure which I prefer right now. How much history they teach you at that school of yours?” he asked with rising discomfort.

  
“Not much. They said there was no point in looking back when the future was what mattered, why?”

  
“You ever hear of the Nazis?”

  
"The who-zees?”

  
“Ellie, they did a bunch of experiments on people. Really sick stuff like taking out their organs while they were awake and infecting them with diseases, just, it was bad. I don’t know if I want to take the chance of Marlene trying something like that on you. Even if it would get rid of the infected. Or could make it so I, and everyone else still alive, couldn’t get infected. I don’t think it would be worth it if it cost you your life."

  
He had no idea what the right thing to do now was. He might be damning humanity to spend the rest of the species time on Earth trying to find a cure. He knew that Marlene would more than likely find more immune people who wouldn’t have someone like Joel looking out for them. There wasn’t much he could do about that without taking down the Fireflies, and that wasn’t something he could do alone.

  
He also knew he couldn’t take Ellie with him to Salt Lake City to stop Marlene. It wouldn’t be safe for her there. He couldn’t leave her here. Back to Jackson and then reassess was his only option.

  
“Ok, we are goin’ back to Jackson, soon as we can. Can’t take you to Marlene to let her hurt you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably have should put this earlier, but no claim of copyright is intended on anything that belongs to naughty dog or other content publishers. 
> 
> Full text for the tape was found on imdb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2140553/quotes?item=qt1992385


	6. Colorado: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel takes a bath.

“Well, how about I take the horses and you set the traps this time?” Joel suggested as they dismounted at the two bedroomed cabin they’d stayed in on the way from Jackson. He took Horse and Callous round the back of the cabin, into a fenced garden area that would do for a paddock and meant he didn’t have to hobble the horses. He took off the saddles and blankets from each horse in turn, then brushed them out and checked over their feet. He took the saddles with him as he left.

In the garden area to the rear was the hot tub he’d shoved the lid off when they were here before to act as a horse trough. It was only a small tub, if he could heat enough water, he could have himself a soak in it he realised.

He pushed open the rear door of the building and went into the open plan ground floor. It was exactly how they had left it, with a faint whiff of decay coming from the kitchen area. He set to washing the dishes they had left when they headed away, opened a window to let in fresher air and set the fire, ready to be lit later. He split some of the logs they had left on the front porch under the generous overhang and brought them in to dry and be ready for tomorrow.

Joel creaked his way up the stairs wondering if the worst of the noise was coming from his knees and back or the staircase. Covering hundreds of miles on horseback over the last six weeks and narrowly escaping the impalement that hunter had suffered at the university had taken it out on him. Here would be a good place to rest for a few days. He tossed his pack onto the bed in his room, shoved next door to put Ellie’s on hers. A bath would feel great right now, and he still had that container of bath salts that they had scrounged in Boulder, labelled good for sore muscles. He was starting to feel like one giant bruise.

The old hot tub steamed in front of the blazing open fire. He’d left a bucket outside for the horses, filled from the tub before he drained it. Heaving it into the house had been a mission and he doubted he would be much good for moving anything heavy for a little while but since he wasn’t planning on hurrying on that was ok.

Every pot they had was filled with water to heat. The tub was nearly full and he had mixed in the herby fragranced salts. He grabbed his personal care kit: soap, towel, hair scissors marked “not for shivs” that he used to trim his hair and his beard. He was glad he had enough soap for this wash and several more. It gave him time to get hold of some more before running out. The last time he had he’d had to beg Ellie to be allowed to use hers. It was far too floral for his tastes and Ellie had called him after Disney Princesses for a week after she found a kid’s magazine with an article on which princess went with which flower.

Ellie barrelled through the door, saw the tub and said “You want to go first Jasmine?” with an infectious grin.

“Ellie…” Joel chastised but without real bite, a smile on his face.

He poured the rest of the water in and shucked his shirt off, hanging it onto the end of the sofa Ellie had flopped onto. She lay with her eyes closed, so he stripped off the rest of his clothes and slid into the warm water. He sighed deeply, reclined and noticed Ellie looking across at him. He shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. His chest carried the marks of a long life lived hard. He knew he was nothing much to look at even before he started fighting for his life at least twice a week. Now, the best that could be said for him was that he wasn’t fat, and carried a lot of muscle. The skin on his chest was scarred, lightly furred with hair running to grey and starting to loosen around the curves of his muscles.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, hoping she would say nothing and not label his faults for him.

“I just didn’t realise how bad the bruising was. Why didn’t we stop sooner?”

Joel looked down at his chest and side. He was a myriad of different colours, from sickly yellow-green through purple and blue to red and black. He had several scabby areas from where he had fallen onto the concrete. He had seen better looking roadkill. He’d known he was hurting but somehow hadn’t quite expected it to be this bad.

“Might not have been safe to stop sooner, didn’t see any other place that would’ve been ok. I ain’t hurtin’ that bad,” Joel reassured her.

Her eyes still raked over the parts of him above the water-line and Joel was glad the salts had turned the water milky. He felt a flicker of arousal at her interest. He picked up the cedar scented soap, lathered it between his palms and moved his bubble coated hands over his hair covered chest. He noticed her bite her lip and shake her head before she looked away and picked up a book. Usually while Joel bathed he sang to himself, but he didn’t want to disturb Ellie too much and besides, his ribs were killing him.

“What are you reading there?” he asked, aiming for nonchalance.

“Lolita, by Nabokov,” she replied. Joel choked, and tried not to swallow his own tongue.

“What?” he spluttered.

“I’m just fucking with you Joel! Jeez, you should see your face. Calm down. We found it in that cabin in Wyoming. It’s called Station Eleven, and it’s about an illness that kills almost everyone on earth.” She said.

“So like Cordyceps then?” he asked, genuinely interested now.

“Sort of, except it’s more like flu and there aren’t any runners.”

“Sounds like a walk in the park,” he said. He started to wash his muscular hairy legs and large feet. “You enjoying it?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good. You know, they have their own version of ‘Endure and Survive’. It’s ‘Survival is Insufficient’. Pretty cool, huh?”

“Humph.”

Joel grabbed one of the pans he had emptied, filled it from the tub and stood facing the fire to rinse himself off. Water cascaded over his silvering hair, down his broad shoulders, his sturdy back and his tight ass before splashing into the tub. He took his towel from where he’d hung it on a lamp near the fire, scrubbed his head a little less wet and wrapped it round his waist. Joel stepped out the bath with water still running down his chest and stomach, dripping from his chest hairs. He looked up at Ellie who had blushed bright red and was determinedly not looking at him.

“You want a soak? I can freshen up the water in no time at all,” he asked with half a smirk.

“No!” she squeaked. “No thanks Joel, I think I’ll just go to bed,” she said, more calmly.

Perhaps that crush of his was drastically less one sided than he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features two jokes I included because I thought of them and couldn't stop chuckling to myself. Firstly the reference to Joel's scissors and secondly the Nabokov joke. 
> 
> The book Ellie is reading (Station Eleven, by Emily St. John Mandel) is a real book which didn't come out until 2014 but, hey, this is AU and I liked the parallels. Playing the game for the first time through with this as reading material was totally bizarre. It comes heartily recommended and we come back to it a few times in later chapters.


	7. Colorado: Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Joel face a serious problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: This chapter features a non-con scene. Without wanting to give too much away it is pretty tame compared to others that I have read on here and the violence in the scene is more graphic than the sex. However, I can understand this may not be to everyone's taste and if you would like to skip it stop reading at the starred section and head on to the next chapter.

The next morning Joel woke to the sounds of Ellie already moving around downstairs. The inside of the hut they shared had been considerably warmer than the last couple of sleeping spots that they had used. He got out of bed, replaced the shirt and sweatpants he had removed in the night and went outside to piss. Moving through the kitchen, he grunted at Ellie’s overly sunny greeting, went through the door, stepped into his cold boots that he had left on the porch overnight, shambled out into the fresh early snow far enough from the building and relieved himself, trying to resist the urge to write his name in the snow like the boy his cock urged him to pretend to be.

As he came back indoors Ellie was packing up her gear. She checked her pistol for ammo, and grabbed fresh wire from the snares kit and stuffed it into her pack.

“Where are you off too this early?”

“Well, Joel, I remember setting a bunch of traps yesterday in the hope we might catch breakfast. I guess I was going off to check them hoping that there’s something to have there because it’s that or that oatmeal from that funky smelling dorm room again.”

“Ugh,” Joel said, with a shudder of remembrance. “Sounds good, thanks.”

“Sure, back in a few,” she replied, closing the door on her way out.

Joel drank a cup of tea, washed up the dishes and got dressed. They’d have to decide what to do next later today, but for the moment he was content to stay put. Coming back downstairs, he looked for Ellie. She wasn’t back yet, which wasn’t like her. She hated being cold and from his experience with her would have raced to the traps, checked them and raced back.

He couldn’t see her from the windows so went just out the door to see what could be seen. One set of prints led out from the porch to where he had peed and returned. The other set of prints, hers, had headed out to the left of where he’d gone and then, skirting the stand of trees that separated them from the lake disappeared over a small rise.

Joel went inside, grabbed his pack, shoved his Colt into his belt and told himself he would meet her coming over the rise and she would have something new to ridicule him for. Perhaps she would call him after famous mothers rather than princesses. In spite of himself, he grinned at the idea. He liked her sense of humour. Regardless of whether he would be teased he stomped his way after her.

Joel followed her prints in the snow to where she had set the traps. The snow was disturbed like there had been a struggle and two sets of prints left the clearing in the opposite direction to where he had come. Now he knew something was wrong. Kidnapping wasn’t that common; after all, nobody wanted to take on an extra mouth to feed. Joel had to hope that she was taken by someone who wouldn’t hurt her but the chances seemed pretty slim. Best case scenario that he thought of was some kind of forced marriage. He didn’t want to think about potential worst case scenarios.

She was taken by hunters, or at least, humans, not infected. If she wasn’t too smart mouthed she might still be alive. Infected would have just killed her, they didn’t take prisoners. He guessed it could be worse. He would have to act fast but he had a little time.

Joel’s instinct was to chase down whoever had Ellie, killing whoever was in his path until he reached her, but he thought about it and decided to go back to get Horse and Callous, in case they needed them for a fast getaway. He saddled them both quickly, checked he had all the important gear from the house, stuffed Ellie’s book into his pack from the couch and headed off to get his girl back.

Following the tracks was simple; he figured Ellie must have told whoever had her that she was alone because no effort had been made to conceal where they had gone. Smart girl. He found the small town easily, and was thankful that the snow seemed to have driven most people inside. He made smooth progress in the town, having to only choke out one or two men before he got into the centre and paused to figure out where to go next.

*****

When Joel heard the shriek carry on the snow filled breeze, he knew. He followed the sound, heart half in his mouth, ran hard to catch whoever made his Ellie sound that way and make them stop before it became worse. His breathing became ragged, his legs tired. He ran harder anyway.

He pounded up the slope, and paused in front of the steakhouse to collect himself. As much as he wanted to smash in through the door that might make the situation worse, not better. He wouldn’t panic someone into shooting her. His breathing smoothed quickly and he checked his weapons were all at hand.

He pushed the door ajar and looked inside. He couldn’t see Ellie, but he could tell where she was. A guy in a greasy green jacket and blue jeans was wrestling with someone facedown underneath him. She was the same size as Ellie, and wearing the same shoes as Ellie does. He knew she didn’t stand a chance against this guy who had to be twice her weight. She was cursing the guy out but it wasn’t registering properly with Joel, discarded as irrelevant after he had parsed off the information that she was alive and unharmed enough to be yelling. His heart swelled.

The creep’s hips ground against her in a fashion that went beyond suggestive to obscene. He was speaking to her, about how good it was going to feel, how he liked young girls best because they were pure and clean. Joel didn’t wait to see more. He grabbed a shiv from his pocket and charged.

Deaf, almost blind, enraged, Joel grabbed the man round the neck with his left arm and sliced open his throat with his right. Blood sprayed from the wound and Joel felt the rage subside. He shoved the man to one side and blood bubbled from his throat. The man coughed and gurgled before dying. He restrained himself from beating the corpse; he needed to check on Ellie.

“Ellie?” Joel spoke softly, as he turned to face her. She was had turned over half sitting, and looked at him with a face that suggested equal parts horror and relief. It seemed like she might finally understand. Joel knew he did monstrous things but only when they were necessary. It was necessary for him to kill this guy, whoever he was, to keep her safe. He tugged her into his arms, and rubbed one hand in circles on her back. They didn’t have long but he could spare her the time for this comfort.

“I’m not hurt.”


	8. Road to Jackson: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They move on from Colorado

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you skipped here from the last chapter, then you should know that David attempted to rape Ellie. Thankfully our hero Joel killed him and saved the day. The chapter closes out with Ellie telling Joel she isn't hurt and now we head onwards to Jackson.

They’d been walking for hours through the snow. Joel had decided they needed to rest Horse and Callous, after riding most of the day before to get away from that awful lakeshore. The horses were only carrying their tack and saddle bags rather than also carrying the humans and all their gear.

 He figured Ellie must be getting bored. She’d been asking question after question from “what do you think the weather will be like tomorrow?” to “what’s your favourite movie?” to this latest effort:

“What was it like when you lost your virginity?”

“Fuck,” Joel cursed, stopping dead in the snow. Horse obediently halted beside him.

He took a good look at her. It wasn’t hard to figure out why the sudden interest. He couldn’t decide whether it was better to tell her or not. Mind you, David had probably already done harm enough, how much worse could he possibly make it?

“Well… Uh, let’s see. It was with my ex-wife, Lucy.  I was playing on the football team and she was this pretty cheerleader. She liked me, and I liked her, so I invited her to Bodie Mitchell’s lake house for a party.”

“So, hold on, you met your wife while you were still in school?”

“Uh-huh. We were both 16 and she had blonde hair and blue eyes and I thought she was pretty. We went on up to that party and she asked if I’d kiss her, so I did. We sat on that lake beach watching the sun come up and that morning I drove her back to her house. She said that nobody was home and did I want to come in. I did want to, so I went inside with her. We were makin’ out on the couch and I thought I was king of the world.  She told me to take her upstairs. We took off our clothes and she pulled me down on top of her, and kind of pushed my cock towards her uh, her pussy. I was kind of nervous, wasn’t sure I wanted to do it until my cock brushed her and found that she was wet an’ hot there. That was it, I wanted to go slowly but I just couldn’t. I guess it probably didn’t feel too good to her because I think it hurt a bit, and I know she bled a little,” he trailed off.

“So how come you picked her to get married to?”

“Ha!” he laughed, bitterly. “I didn’t. Her dad came round to see my dad and told him that I’d knocked up his baby daughter and what did we plan to do about it, and the next thing I know, I’m married and picking out a stroller.”

“Jeez.” She went quiet for a spell. He couldn’t argue with her assessment. The more he thought back on it, the more he realised a large part of why he wound up splitting up with Lucy had to do with being married way too young and feeling like they had no choice in it.

 “You think sex feels good after the first time?” she asked, an innocent look on her face.

“I think it can feel good, even the first time darlin’. If it’s with the right guy.”

Somehow, despite the intimate nature of the conversation, he was enjoying himself.

“So, how do you know it’s the right person?”

“Well. It has to feel right. You have to like the other person, trust them. Helps a lot if you find them attractive,” he gave her a sidelong glance, hoping that she didn’t realise he was describing his feelings for her.

“And what makes good sex, good sex?”

“Being willin’ to experiment together, taking time over it, and savourin’ each other’s bodies. It’s a complicated thing, Ellie, makin’ love to another person. But when you get it right? It’s like your soul catches fire.”

She smiled at him, dreamily. They carried on walking until Joel spotted a barn in the fading light.

“We can stop there tonight and then go hunting tomorrow, take a day off and then head to that town for a scavenging run.”

*****

“Joel, I want my first time to be with someone that I choose,” Ellie said shakily.

Joel looked at her askance. He was shocked at Ellie, even if he could understand where she was coming from. After David had nearly raped her, Ellie had been alluding to how she didn’t want to lose her virginity to a creep like him. How she wanted it to be her choice. Joel just couldn’t believe that he was somehow the guy she would choose, were it not for the fact that he was the only man she knew for 50 miles or more.

Joel approached her gently, the way he did a skittish horse. She’d been shown the seedier side of sex he wished she didn’t even know about, had no experience with men and only a little with women. He’d explore that later (and **boy** did he want to explore that later) but right now, Joel wanted to give her confidence. He was determined to solve the problem in front of him.

He placed a hand on the side of her face and another on her hip. Her hands came round him, one at his waist and the other against his chest. He was sure she could feel his heart thundering in his chest. He’d dreamed about doing this with her but never thought he’d get the chance. He nuzzled his face into her throat.

“Ellie, if I do this, I’m gonna go slow. I’m not goin’ to rush ya just because you want me to. I want you, but I’m not goin’ to dive straight into you,” he drawled out. She had shuddered at his confession of wanting her.

“Joel…” Ellie whimpered. “OK, Joel.”

Joel took another half a step forwards, using it to tilt her face upwards toward him as he did so. He brushed his lips against hers gently, letting her come the rest of the way. She sighed against his mouth, a warm puff of breath rushing against his lips. He pulled away carefully.

“OK?” he asked.

“Ohhhhh, yeah,” said a breathless Ellie.

Joel pressed a hand against her shoulder blades to bring her closer. She turned her head to his and kissed him, harder than he had dared. He kissed her back, before softly opening his lips. Her mouth was slightly open under his and when he swiped his tongue against her lips she moaned. She opened her lips and let his tongue in. He swirled his tongue around hers before retreating and encouraging her to come to him.  When she did that was enough for him, enough for now. He had to break the kiss off before he would convince himself to keep going.

“Ellie, we have to stop darlin’, before it gets too much,” he implored her. Recalling that he had her book in his pack he decided to use it to distract her from what they had been doing. “I have somethin’ for you.”

He took the book from his pack and handed it to her. She was clearly surprised to see it, and jumped into his arms with the book still in her hand.

“Joel! Thanks so much. After we had to abandon so much stuff in that cabin I thought the book was lost.”

“I’m glad to be able to do something for you darlin’,” he paused and thought he’d better clarify. “I meant the book not the other thing. Not that I regret the other thing…” Joel was cursing his tendency to start talking without knowing what the end of the sentence would be before her hand came up and covered his lips, effectively silencing him.

“Thankyou Joel, it was very sweet of you to pick up my book,” she said before kissing his cheek.

It wasn’t fair, he was pretty sure he was meant to be smoother than she was.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, that's today's update for you. Hope you enjoyed and see you all on Friday.


	9. Road to Jackson: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel shows Ellie something she's never seen before. Warning: from here on out things get pretty sexual pretty fast.

In the days following their first kiss the temperature had dipped well below freezing and stayed there. With a steady, strong wind blowing it was far too cold to be outside for long. Joel told himself that the cold weather was justification enough for them to share a bed. Though he expected to feel guilty for kissing her and taking advantage, all he felt was his heart swelling with joy each time she looked at him and smiled.

The first night they had just snuggled up together, lips pressing to lips and gently exploring the safer areas of each other’s bodies. He’d copped a feel of her rear the night before, her pert cheeks just larger than each of his big hands could hold. She had moaned into his mouth at the caress and the touch, kiss and sound almost drove him mad with lust. At times like that he was glad that age had brought him self-control.

“Ellie, I’m going to bed,” he said, at the end of a long day tracking and hunting.

“OK, I’ll be up after I put the horses to bed.”

“Ellie, that’s some damn nonsense,” he said, with a smile that showed he’d humour her.

“Joel, I’ve never had a pet before. There were some cats around but they were mostly feral. So excuse me if I want to treat these ones right,” she griped. He didn’t want to tell her the reason for that was that if they weren’t useful most probably pets had been eaten. Those cats had damn good reason to be feral.

“Just teasin' you, darlin’. Come up when you’re done.”

He was ready for his rest, having stalked a big buck most of the day and then having to control a skittish, blood-crazed Horse to get him to drag the beast back for him. He stretched out on the bed in a black t-shirt and black boxers, both fresh and clean. He teased himself for the effort he was making. Next thing you know he’d be bringing her flowers and asking her to Prom. She breezed into the room, bringing cold but fresh air and a strong hint of horse with her.

She stripped off with her back to him and the sight of her panties stretched over her delectable rear made his cock twitch. She shed everything but her underwear, a fetching teal against her pale skin, and reached for the flannel shirt he’d just taken off. Instead of buttoning it round herself she just wrapped herself in the over-sized garment and he lifted the edge of the duvet for her.

He reached for her as soon as she slid between the sheets. She smiled, his lips touching hers as he pulled her on top of him. She squirmed as he pressed his hand to her rear.

“Mmmmmm,” she hummed into him, nuzzling at his throat.

“You tuck them horses in darlin’” he drawled, his voice deeper and raspy with latent lust.

 She nodded against his chest, burrowing her cold hands under his shirt to stroke his stomach and play with his body hair. He smiled, wrestled with the urge to squirm at the chill, and pushed a hand all the way up the back of her shirt to run long, tingling strokes along the length of her spine. His lips sought hers out, meeting firmly but without too much forcefulness. He knew she didn’t like that. As much as he seemed to be in control, he was doing the best he could to make her the boss. He had all the time in the world for her.

“Joel, can you take off your shirt?”

“Yes ma’am,” he said as he shifted her to one side and then sat up to strip off the shirt. He felt the cool air in the room, despite setting a fire in the fire-place. His nipples, already peaked with arousal, hardened further in the cold room. She was sitting next to him, eyes all over the place, reaching for him but not making contact as if she was afraid. He took her delicate wrist in his huge paw and brought it to his mouth so he could kiss the soft skin just below her palm. Then he moved it to his chest and let go. She froze. Apparently touching him shirtless was a lot more intimidating than doing it through or under his shirt.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“Nothing, I’m… I’m good.”

He hoped he was hiding how unconvinced he was with her response.

“What can I do?”

“Just, uh, just stay still. Don’t move, don’t touch me,” she requested.

He pressed his hands by his sides. He’d been tied up before, trying to spark some life into a marriage turned dismal. He hadn’t enjoyed it. Lucy seemed only to care about hitting him, causing him pain with none of the related pleasure.

This was different, he could move, he could touch. She was asking him not to, to give her his placidity. She inched closer now, the shirt falling off one shoulder and her red hair loose and framing her face. He resisted the urge to shift and cover himself under her attention. Then he remembered that talking was allowed.

“When I touch myself I always imagine your hands on my skin, I picture you stroking my chest hairs, pinching at my nipples, rubbing my stomach. Ellie,” he paused as she made eye contact. “You don’t have to do this. But if you want to there’s nothing I’d like more than to explore each other with you at your pace.”

To his surprise she stripped off the shirt and then climbed on his chest from between his legs again. From upper chest to pelvis and along the inside of his thighs they were touching, skin on skin. Two scant layers of cloth kept his cock from being inside her right now. His hands started to come up automatically to hold her, but he stopped himself and put them back. She kissed him full on the mouth, with plenty of tongue. When she pulled back his lips followed hers desperate for more. She had to feel his erection pressing on her belly. Up to now he’d been careful to keep his erect dick from touching her, especially from behind, for fear of her being threatened by it.

“Doing OK?”

“Oh yeah, Joel, doing good,” she purred across his collarbone as her lips, tongue and teeth surveyed her territory on his upper body. She stroked a slender finger across his brown, pebbled nipple.

“Do you like them being sucked?” she asked.

“A little, gently. Prefer them bein’ licked,” he said, before moaning as she lowered her head and plastered a wide, hot tongue wetly to his left nipple.

“Take off your boxers,” she commanded imperiously.

“Ellie, I ain’t sure that’s the right thing for right now.”

“You going to stay still, just let me look, let me touch?”

“Uh, yeah,” he said.

“Then I think we’ll be ok,” she smiled.

Joel lifted his hips and obediently pushed down his shorts. The concern generated by the conversation they’d just had had reduced him to barely a semi, but the look on her face and the idea of her deliberately touching him there had him filling up as she watched.

“Not as big as those guys in Bill’s magazine,” she commented.

“No,” he said.

“What’s with all that extra skin?” she asked.

“I, uh, I’m not like most guys in magazines like those. I wasn’t circumcised as a boy. My, uh, my grandma was a serious catholic and she made sure my mom didn’t have me cut,” he explained, a little unnerved to be discussing Nanna and his mom while a young girl had such a laser focus on his erection. If he thought too much about how this was a conversation he’d had with pretty much every lover he’d ever had he’d lose interest in doing this with Ellie and he didn’t want her to think it was her fault.

“Show me; show me what you do, what you like.”

He took his hand, wrapped it round his cock and slowly pulled downwards so that his foreskin popped past his glans. She looked mesmerised. He’d never thought of his dick as hypnotic before. He pushed the skin back up and repeated the process until the pre-cum at his tip had smoothed the passage. Now he could, he began to move in full strokes running the full length of his cock. It was sturdy like the rest of him, slightly above average in length, he knew, but much thicker than most cocks. He turned his head to look at her, to check that she was alright. Her breathing was fast, and she was captivated by his motion. Her eyes flitted up to his, pupils dilated and her lids half closed. She was biting her lip; it made him take a deep breath and thrust his hips upwards into his grip.

He closed his eyes, so it was a shock to feel her hand touch the inside of his thigh. He opened his eyes again and watched as her hand travelled up his leg and tentatively reached for his balls. His hand stopped moving so he could focus on her. Joel wanted to wrap his hand around hers and guide her to his engorged member, but he wasn’t sure that it would be wanted.

“Ellie, please,” he gasped.

She held her hand out to him. He took it carefully in his and drew her hand to his penis. Her little fingers wrapped around the shaft and he had to hold off from thrusting his hips upward. She stroked him firmly and with a steady and pleasing speed.  It had been months since anyone had touched him like this. He’d only had the company of his hand while on the road these last 8 months or so. Before that he and Tess had been in one of their off-again periods, had to have been at least 4 months and frankly if it was longer he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He tried to focus on what he was feeling when realisation struck him.

“God, Ellie, you’re gonna make me come,” he warned.

“Fuck, Joel,” she moaned.

She moved her hand more quickly and drove him straight over the edge, relentlessly. He groaned and carefully removed her hand from his spasming cock.

“Is it OK if I touch you now?” he asked.

“Yessssss,” she hissed.

*****

He carefully eased out of bed and grabbed his washcloth to quickly clean himself back up. When he turned back she was under the sheets, but her underwear were next to the bed. He replaced the boxers he had been wearing and sat by the headboard of the bed. He parted his legs and gestured for her to come sit between them. When she sat down she was shaking. He ran his hands over her arms, legs and stomach to stroke out the tension, as he whispered in her ear how pretty she was and how much he liked touching her, how soft her skin was and how much he wanted to make  her come for him.

When she stopped trembling, Joel moved one hand to her breast and caressed the flesh, swirling his hand in circles, stroking until her nipple became hard. He swapped breasts and repeated the treatment. Her breasts were tiny, sweet little apple sized things. Barely a handful, something he’d never considered appealing until now.

 Meanwhile, his right hand dropped between her legs. He put his whole hand over her lips and moved the labia against her clit by dragging his hand towards or pushing it away from himself. His reward was a small gasp which encouraged him to do more. He slipped his thumb between her lips and found her soaked. He slowly stroked along the hard shaft of her clit through the skin. She twitched in his arms. Joel continued moving her skin back from her hood without ever touching the clit itself. She was writhing against him like he was driving her wild. He moved to the exposed tissue of her clit, using his middle and ring fingers to stroke up and down over her most sensitive flesh.

“Jo-Jo-Jo-Joelllll,” she panted as she came.

He brought his wet hand to his mouth and sucked it clean. Using his legs he moved the sheets back over them and carefully rearranged them so that he was holding her in his arms and hoped she didn’t feel trapped. She burrowed into his grasp, sleepy and sated.

“Goodnight Joel,”

“Mmmm, goodnight darlin’” he said, with his head nuzzling her hair. He pressed a kiss against her and fell asleep with her in his arms.


	10. Road to Jackson: Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie discovers a type of shop she's never experienced before.

Joel looked around them at the buildings on the street. The one on the corner seemed most intact, with blue paint round the mesh covered windows and a thick door. He grabbed the shiv in his right hand, Ellie in his left and dragged her towards the shop. Seconds later he had popped the lock, opened the door, scanned inside for infected and shoved Ellie inside.  He grabbed a substantial display case from the left of the door and used it to barricade the doorway. The stalkers that had been following them seemed to have lost them for now.

“Uh, Joel?” Ellie asked with intense curiosity in her voice.

“Yeah,” he said, not turning round.

“What kind of shop is this?” she queried.

Turning, Joel wondered what type of shop could possibly have had her confused. He realised right away when the light of his torch hit the lurid display of dildos she was looking at. Oh, boy!

“It’s, uh, it’s a sex shop,” he stammered.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You guys had all this extra crap for sex? You ever been to a place like this before Joel?” she paused, and looked at him. “Joel, are you fucking blushing?”

He was. He was flushing in part at the thought of explaining this place to her. As a lover she had turned out to be very, very curious. About everything. He knew she would have questions. So many questions. He was also remembering the only time he had been to one of these places before, on a trip to Vegas not long after his divorce. Tommy had dragged him in there, loaded up a basket with lube, porn DVDs and magazines, and a Fleshlight, and told him that since he wouldn’t let him pay to get him laid this was a gift from him to Joel. He hated to admit it but being a single father had made dating hard. That gear had come in handy, more than once.

He started searching for anything he’d more traditionally consider useful. He wasn’t surprised to find several packages of batteries, large packages. He stacked them all on the counter, next to the herbal supplements and cheap, tacky lubes. Next, he went searching for condoms. If there were non-lubricated condoms that were still good to be had, then he would take those as well. Ellie joined him at the display.

“What are these?”

“Condoms, all different kinds. You know what they’re for right?”

“Yeah, Joel, I had health class too you know. Prevent pregnancy and disease. Available for ration cards and everyone gets a certain number per month.” He’d almost missed teenaged eye rolls from earlier in their walk but the reappearance of them was comforting. Ellie was returning to herself.

“Right,” he said.

He grabbed two packages off the shelf. Non-lubricated latex was a bust but these polyurethane ones might still be ok.

“Lambskin?” Ellie asked, pointing to another box.

“Yeah, they’re really expensive, made from sheep guts, supposed to feel better than a normal condom.”

“You ever use one?”

“Nah, Ellie. Too rich for my blood. Anyway, I got what I need from here, let’s move on.”

He was placing the condoms he’d picked up with the batteries and considering looking behind the counter when he heard Ellie calling across the shop:

“Hey, Joel, they’ve got so much porn in here. There’s so many varieties. I’ve never seen so many naked people Joel. Joel, there’s two girls going at it here.”

Joel’s head snapped up, and he headed over to see what exactly it was that she was looking at.

“Y’know, I said I like boys, but did I ever tell you about my room-mate Riley? She was my first kiss.”

“Uh, Ellie, I’m gonna need you to dial it back a little bit. I’m gonna struggle otherwise,” he said, tugging her towards him to share a kiss. “Maybe move on from the porn, OK?”

She moved towards the next group of displays over. Unfortunately for Joel, this group featured all the anal sex gear.

“What’s this for?” she asked, holding up a blue butt-plug, with a bulb showing it was designed for a prostate.

“That’s, uh, that’s for putting in a guy’s butt. This one is for women,” he said, grabbing a straight red one and handing it to her.

  “Oh,” she blurted.

He put both back and then headed back to the counter to search behind it. There was money still in the register, but nothing of any real interest back here. He grabbed the cosh from under the counter and added it to the pile. When he turned round, Ellie was playing with the whips, floggers and paddles in the BDSM section. He gulped.

“Joel, what’s a dominatrix?”

“A woman who, typically, dresses in leather or rubber clothing and high-heeled shoes that beats men for their mutual sexual satisfaction,” he said a touch mechanically.

“Huh,” she said, like she couldn’t decide where to start. Too many options he guessed.

“So you seem to know a lot about that,” she pointed out.

He shifted, exquisitely uncomfortable.

“Got dragged to a fetish club, y’know, before. People’d pay a lot of money for all kinds of unusual things. There was this guy on the stage who liked having people kick him in the balls. Can’t see the appeal in that myself, what about you?”

“Kih-kicked in the balls? Or pain in general?”

She swayed towards him slightly, he thought because she was trying to look braver than she felt. That was his Ellie, his tiger.

“The idea of spanking your perfect little ass certainly has its appeal,” he leered, putting his arms around her body and capturing the mentioned body part with one large hand. “But we don’t need anything special for that. Lemme show you the outfit section real quick”

*****

Joel wasn’t sure how he’d made it through the parade of outfits, costumes and downright filthy lingerie. At one point, with her wearing a red peep-hole bra (after explaining that it was meant to look that way and definitely wasn’t moth-eaten), a pair of film thin silk lace knickers and suspenders, his mouth had gone dry and he’d felt like he either had to stroke himself or mount her as soon as possible. It had only been his outright promise that he wouldn’t penetrate her before they were both ready, given more than a week before that slowed him down.

She looked at his face and apparently the turmoil showed.

“It’s OK Joel, we can stop. I’ll put my clothes back on and we should check out the rest of the building.”

“Thanks,” he said, pulling her closer so he could give her a mostly chaste kiss. “Wait, what rest of the building?”

“Says back there,” she pointed, “rooms to rent by the hour, upstairs.”

“Nnnnnnggg,” he groaned. “Yeah, you get dressed, and we can go and check it out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I used to live in a town that had a dirt cheap, although not by the hour, hotel above a sex shop. To my knowledge the shop wasn't owned by the same people and there should be no suggestion that solicitation took place in either establishment. But seriously, talk about vertical integration. 
> 
> I'm done with the story near enough now and it's stopping me working on my next project because I'm playing with it so I hope to get all of it online by the weekend.


	11. Road to Jackson: Part Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conclusion of our trip to the sex shop. Joel makes a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter features a person who has committed suicide. It describes a method of suicide. It is between the two starred sections. If you would like to skip it please refer to the end notes for what you've missed.

Ellie appeared, dressed and carrying her clothing bag, a waterproof dry-sack they’d managed to find in a shack hunters had been living in. She stuffed the bag into her pack and the two of them took the door Ellie had indicated. Joel carried his shotgun in his hands and Ellie had her pistol drawn. There didn’t seem to be much danger but the un-prepared were dead. They came down a dingy corridor and entered a relatively clean looking motel style reception. A “Temporarily Closed” sign was on the counter. Apparently this place had been cleared out and closed early on in the infection outbreak. Joel slid behind the counter looking for a master key. He found what he was looking for hanging from a string next to a sign that said “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps”. Joel smirked drily remembering what had passed for witty in this kind of place before the outbreak.

*****

When they got to the first room Joel recognised the faint odour of decay in the doorway and made Ellie wait outside. The bed was empty but in the easy chair drawn up in front of the TV there was an ancient corpse, an empty bottle of OxyContin sitting in the bony lap, a spoon next to a heap of powder on the side table and a needle in the leather of a forearm. He searched the room quickly, but there was barely anything there, poor guy must have not had a lot and had nowhere else to go. At least that couple in Pittsburgh had had each other.

“Nothing worth having in there,” he said, catching up to Ellie in the hallway. “Let’s take a room far away from this one.”

Finding suicides always left Joel introspective. He reflected on how things would have turned out if he hadn’t had Tommy. Tommy, who had taken away his guns, then his knives and for one unpleasantly memorable weekend, his boot-laces.

Perhaps that was why he didn’t notice the clicker in the next bedroom until he ran into it. Normally he could fend off a clicker, force it back, or even better, shiv it in the face to kill it outright. He struggled, wrestled, fended off the questing, stinking maw; he couldn’t gain ground. His struggle was herculean, and he was no Hercules. He was tired, sore, and in danger of losing against the hungry but still powerful monster. Where the hell was Ellie? She had been looking through the maid’s closet when he came in here but she had to have heard fighting by now.

His fingers were starting to slip, sweat soaked and cramping with effort. He was angry. He’d wanted his death to be useful, not this pointless fucking endeavour. He tried once more to flip the infected creature over his head, and at that point he would have to get creative. Suddenly, the clicker seemed to weigh twice as much which was strange because its grip was loosening. Abruptly, the beast let him go, and he rolled to his feet, fast. It had Ellie’s switch blade sticking out of one set of eyestalks and looked like it was having trouble co-ordinating all of its limbs. The effect was like watching a bad break-dancer through a strobe. Joel grabbed the nearest hefty object and smashed the clicker’s head with it. It was a butthole shaped ashtray. Perfect.

“God, Joel. What the fuck happened? Did it get you?” Ellie asked, already pushing up his sleeves.

“No darlin’ it din’t get me,” he drawled and pulled her close. “If the next room is clear, we’re stopping there.

*****

The next room was clear. It had basic furnishings, king bed with sheets and blankets, a desk and a bathroom with shower over the bath. It looked like there might still be water in the cold tank on the roof but Joel was dubious about how well the sewers would keep up. Right now, he didn’t care. He dumped his pack on the floor and pulled Ellie into his arms.

“Do you trust me?” he asked.

“Yes, Joel.”

“About everything?” he pressed.

“Like what?” she asked, while slipping out of her shoes.

“Like how I promised I would fuck you before you’re ready?”

His cock pressed into her belly, hard and insistent.

“Sure Joel, why?

“I need something Ellie. Gonna keep my promise to you but I need this right now,” he said, sliding a hand up her shirt to cup her bra-covered breast.

“Joel, I trust you.”

Her nipple peaked in his hand. She still had the peep-hole bra on. His cock had been hard before but now he felt like skin-covered, living stone. He unbuttoned his pants, threw off his shirt and shoes and lifted her onto the bed. He wanted to be reverent. To take his time and do right by her. But right now, his need was outweighing his wants.

He stripped her of everything except the bra, and then stepped into the bathroom hoping he would find what he was looking for. He needed something he could use, and fast. He stepped back out, holding a sample pack of silicone based lubricant. He dropped his pants and spotted her looking at how his cock swayed when he walked. When she looked at him like that it made him feel like a God. He strode towards her.

“Get on your hands and knees,” he growled into her ear.

She moved instantly, her eagerness to obey doing as much to fuel his lust as her naked ass and her shining wet pussy underneath.

“Mmmm, you look perfect,” he said, while coating his erection generously with lube. This wasn’t something he wanted to do dry. He dripped lube into the crease between her cheeks and slid his fingers up and down. He pressed at her asshole to see how she responded. Wanton sex-fiend that she was, she moaned and her half-closed, huge-pupiled eyes met his. He filled a palm with more lube and climbed up behind her.

His palm reached over her hip and stroked between her legs, making sure she was evenly wet. Her hips twitched at his touch and she tried to grind against him. He backed off slightly, took himself in hand and directed himself between her cheeks. His cock slipped smoothly against her skin. He pressed a hand to each muscular round and pushed them together before shamelessly humping away at the crevice. It was satisfying but not enough. The angle was too steep and prevented the long, firm strokes he favoured.

He pulled back again; with a grunt he shoved her legs closer together. He pressed his pulsing cock between her thighs, closed her legs around him and stroked back and forth barely a dozen times before his cock was leaping and spraying hot come onto the sheets.

“Ellie,” he groaned in a voice that was hoarse and raspy.

With a loud grunt Joel collapsed and pushed Ellie down underneath him. She stiffened and trembled instantly. Even through his post-orgasmic fog, Joel realised what was wrong and quickly rolled aside. He wrapped her in the clean under-sheet and put his shorts back on.

“I’m, I’m, so-so-sorry Joel,” she half stuttered, half sobbed.

“No, darlin’, it’s me should be sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you down like that. Shouldn’t be reminding you of that when we’re together. What can I do to make you feel better?”

Concern was written large across his face, underneath it contrition and guilt. She reached for him, and he gathered her into his arms. He held her while she wept without saying a word. He knew she hated him drawing attention to her upset and each fresh barrage of sobs felt like a knife in his guts. He wasn’t sure he could speak without weeping anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the starred section Joel enters a hotel room, discovers a person who has killed themself. It always throws him when this happens because he has been suicidal himself, and as a result he is attacked by a clicker. Ellie has to help him to escape.


	12. Road to Jackson: Part Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel says something he thinks he needs to regret.

They camped out in the farmhouse on the same grounds as the barn for a nearly a week after the sex-shop raid. They had time, nobody was waiting on them and frankly, he was concerned for Ellie. She was distracted and absent when he tried talking to her. It wouldn’t be safe to go trekking through dangerous territory where not only were there hunters and infected to worry about but also bears and wolves. True, the bears should be hibernating, but wake one up and Joel was pretty sure that bear would go back to sleep with a Joel flavoured popsicle to snack on.

Each night he’d fall asleep with a sleeping Ellie on his chest, a sensation he’d grown especially accustomed to. He liked feeling like he was protecting her. He hated that it was, in part, him she needed protecting from.

She jolted awake an hour later and he awoke to feel her pulling away. He reached out and caught her hand. He knew she had been having nightmares but she kept refusing to talk about them.

“Ellie, I want you to know you can tell me anythin’. Ain’t nothin’ you can say about what you’re dreamin’ that’s worse than what I’m picturin’ right now.”

“I don’t want to upset you,” she choked out, her voice thick with emotion. “I know it’s not real, but it feels real.”

“What does darlin’?” he said, with his hand stroking hers.

“When I’m asleep it’s like when David took me all over again. He dragged me out of that cell in their cold room and hauled me to the steakhouse. In the dream, he’s got me pinned down and I’m screaming for you to come rescue me and he says “Yeah, say my name” and I look up and it’s… it’s… you.”

Joel felt like the worst kind of shit on Earth. He knew he’d freaked Ellie out when he had collapsed on her back after fucking her thighs. He wished he could take it back; for all that he needed to fuck out the adrenaline that had been flooding his system.

“I’m glad you told me, Ellie. I don’t want you to hide things from me just cause you think they’ll hurt me. And I hope to be able to prove to you I’ll never touch you in a way you don’t want.”

She moved closer to him.

“I know,” she mumbled as she moved in for a kiss. She pressed her lips to his, feeling the fullness of his lower lip with her velvet-soft pink tongue. He opened his mouth and her tongue slipped inside as if it owned the place. He enjoyed the silky feel of her tongue slipping gently against his and rolled his around hers when he could.

“I want you, Joel. I just, I want to wait a while.”

“Darlin’ you take as long as you need.”

She slept through the rest of the night, no more nightmares. It took hours for the nausea her confession had spurred in him to leave, but when it did, he finally snatched an hour or two of rest.

*****

It was like he had rediscovered the joys of the things you could do in bed that aren’t sex. He hadn’t made out this much since he was, well, Ellie’s age. Most of the women he had been with just wanted a quick few kisses, now make me come and oh, I guess let’s do you. He loved that it didn’t have to be like that with her. He hadn’t felt this good in a relationship in years. Maybe ever.

 They were lying together in the farmhouse. They were still “resting” before heading on to Jackson. The weather was terrible, they’d make poor miles, tire themselves and the horses, and they’d be miserable. Much better to stay safe, warm, and cosy together here.

His lips and teeth kissed and nipped at her neck. He was perched on all fours over her.

“Ellie, I wanna kiss you. I wanna kiss your pussy, wanna make you scream,” he said, wishing he didn’t sound quite so keen.

“Please,” she moaned.

He took her pants and underwear off, hoping to appear more confident than he felt. He was nervous, not because he was worried for her or her enjoyment, but because he didn’t want to frighten her again.

“Get comfy on the edge of the sofa,” he said, while he moved to kneel in front of it.

His hands slipped warmly up her legs and she spread them apart, keenly, when he applied gentle pressure. He dipped his head, kissed her red-furred mons and moved lower. He pressed his lips all over her labia, before spreading her open and licking the length of her slit, already salty and slick and with that richness that comes from arousal. He hasn’t done this, given this pleasure to a woman in too long. Tess never liked it, concerned about having too much hair and about whether she smelled too ripe. A relic from being alive before the infection he imagined, but it must be a part of the past because Ellie seemed utterly unconcerned. He tilted his head back slightly while he rubbed the tip of his tongue all over her various parts. Her eyes were closed, her mouth hanging half open and her hands reaching for his hair and her nipple. Joel reached up his right hand and gently pinched and teased her other nipple, while his mouth continued to pleasure her. He worked his tongue into a flat blade that covered as much of the clitoris as possible and swiped it up from the entrance of her pussy to the shaft of her clit over and over. It wasn’t fast but it was constant and it was unyielding.

“Ellie, darlin’, open your eyes a second for me.” He whispered, having pulled away from her juicy clit. She opened her eyes and looked down at him.

“Would you like me to put a finger inside you now?”

“Uh… Uh… Joel, I uh, I,” she struggled.

“Ellie, it’s OK if you don’t. I’m quite happy to make you come like this,” he said, sensing she was struggling which one to choose and nuzzling at her inner thigh.

“Joel, um, can you try it and take it out if I don’t like it?”

“Of course, my love,” he said and then froze.

“Joel?” she asked eyes wide.

“Yes?”

“You love me?”

He sighed, pulled away from her body and wiped his mouth and beard with the sleeve of his shirt.

“Uh, yeah,” he replied. “I’m sorry. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

She stared at him.

“I love you too, you big dope.”


	13. Road to Jackson: Part Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel doesn't regret what he said.

He stared at her, incredulous. He can’t have heard that right. He knew she cared about him but he’d never expected such an unsullied young thing to fall for a weather-beaten and half-broken, grumpy old man like him. She grabbed his arm and pulled him closer for a kiss that it took him several seconds to respond to. He started to smile, which made it hard to keep kissing him. Ellie pulled away.

“We good, Joel?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Then back to work,” she mock ordered.

He saluted. “Yes ma’am.”

She watched as he sank back to his knees again, smiled up at her once and went back to working her with gusto. When her hips were moving, her hands clutching at his silver-black hair, and her moans, grunts and gasps becoming constant Joel moved his right hand from her thigh and brushed his index finger against the entrance to her body. He rubbed gentle rings around her and was encouraged by the jerk of her hips and the string of curse-words emanating from her mouth. His finger entered her easily, greedily, up to the second knuckle, where he held it and broke off the licking.

“Still ok?”

“Fuck yes. Don’t stop; I’m going to come,” she wailed.

He smirked against her flesh and went back to it, pushing his finger gently back and forth, reasoning he could save the fancy hand motions for another time. He felt her muscles clamp down on him as she came and knew in that moment he could barely wait to feel her coming when his cock was inside her.  He also realised this was the first time he’d thought about his cock since before he’d started licking her. With the way it was behaving that was a god-damned miracle. He eased her through the spasms, and then went to kiss her. She scrubbed a hand across her face. He looked sheepish.

“Sorry.”

“I don’t mind, just soggy,” she told him. “Give me a minute and I’ll do you.”

“That’s OK, there’s no need for that. You rest, I’ll go take care of myself and come back to bed.”

“Joel, what’s going on?”

“I just don’t want to freak you out again,” he said, with a look of anxiety.

“Joel, that wasn’t your dick. It was being trapped underneath you. Can we try?” she asked, with desire in her eyes.

He moved up onto the sofa to make out with her some more. He stroked his calloused, rough hands all the way from the back of her neck, down her spine to the creases under her buttocks. He lay on his side, with the back of the couch at his back as his hips started to grind against hers. Ellie placed a hand on his chest and he felt the heat of it through his shirt. She stroked down his body to his belt and paused. She broke their lips apart to look him in the eyes as she stroked her hand across the distorted front of his jeans. Joel moaned at her touch and pushed himself closer to her hand. Her index finger traced an outline around his cock and he twitched in his pants. He covered her hand with his and squeezed her fingers more firmly around him. His eyes were glazed and his mouth hanging open.

Ellie released his cock, despite his groan of discontent and moved back to his belt buckle. She undid his pants and slipped them to below his hips. Ellie stood from the couch and sank to her knees next to him. She looked nervous as she glanced up at him before leaning towards his crotch and nuzzling at his cock and balls. He wasn’t so far gone that he wouldn’t notice.

“You OK there Ellie?”

“Uh, yeah Joel. It’s just…” she faded out.

“Yeah?”

“Does it feel good?”

“Oh darlin’ it feels great,” he said, realising the source of her anxiety. “Want me to talk you through it?” he asked, brushing her hair back off her face and tucking it behind her ear.

“That, uh, that could help,” she admitted.

“Ok,” he grunted while lifting his hips to remove his pants and boxers completely. When he rested back on the couch he lifted his shirt and removed that as well. Her eyes flicked over his exposed body, landing on his dick at least twice as often as they landed elsewhere. He grinned, knowing where her attention was focussed. He rubbed his hands over her shoulders.

“It’s pretty hard to be bad at this, just don’t bite it off and don’t be too rough with my balls and you’ll be fine.”

She made eye contact and smiled, then leaned in close to press a kiss to the tip of his cock. He grunted, half in pleasure and half in anticipation. When she eased back his foreskin and licked across his glans he shuddered.

“Tastes good,” she said

“You weren’t expecting it to?”

“Well, y’know, you piss with it, I wasn’t sure.”

“Fair enough. Can you wrap your hand around the shaft and stroke it while you play with the tip?”

She did as he asked, and he groaned again. When she wrapped her lips around the head for the first time his eyes rolled back in his head.

“God Ellie feels so good,” he moaned as she started to move hand and mouth together.

He couldn’t help but recall his fantasy of her on her knees from their time in Wyoming. Ellie moved steadily, her hand and lips in perfect sync. He was going to come in her mouth unless he warned her. Part of him was desperate to see her swallow his come and didn’t want to warn her, but the rest of him knew that if he didn’t she might lose all of her trust in him.

“Ellie, darlin’ if you don’t want my come in your mouth you best stop that now.”

She barely even broke pace, and if anything, she sped up. His balls finished drawing up to his body and he desperately fought the urge to thrust as she sucked his orgasm out of him. His come spurted from his cock into her mouth. He gently pushed her away from his dick when he’d finished with a hand on her forehead. She looked straight up at him.

“And how was that for you, Joel,” she asked.

Fuck, she’d swallowed his load. Even if she decided this was a mistake, he’d be using this moment as masturbatory enhancement for years to come.


	14. Road to Jackson: Part Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel and Ellie have sex.

It had snowed all day. Other than checking on the horses in the barn and to use the great outdoor bathroom neither of them had left the farmhouse all day. Joel had stockpiled wood for the fireplaces in the living room and bedroom and decided to spend the time teaching Ellie everything she wanted to know.

“Joel, please. I want to feel you inside me,” she pleaded.

“Darlin’, you got three of my fingers inside you,” he said, trying not to grab his cock to provide relief from the tone of her voice.

“I need more, Joel, I’m ready.”

He rolled back on his knees, his belt unbuckled and the button fly of his jeans hanging open. He moaned at the sight of Ellie spread before him like a bounty he did nothing to earn and didn’t deserve. He’d been working with his fingers when she had made her declaration and knew she was right. She was both wet and loose enough, even if she was still incredibly tight. He wouldn’t hurt her. He just wasn’t sure he was ready. He still feared the chances of her breaking down because of the remaining demons David left her with. The thought that maybe this was her way of exorcising those demons was slow in coming to him, but very welcome when it did.

“How do you want to do this?” he asked while removing his jeans.

“You do know I’ve never done this before? I have no idea how we **can** do this,” she grumbled while delicately stroking her fingers the length of her body.

“I meant should I figure out a way that keeps my weight off you?” he pressed, while watching her fingers travel over her body.

“Yes. Now, Joel. Please,” she said, a blush travelling the length of her chest and turning her skin a pretty shade of pink.

He climbed back onto the bed and pulled her to him, laying the both of them onto their sides. He stroked a hand down to her knee and pulled her leg over both of his hairier thighs. His arms wrapped around her back, one underneath her body and the other around her. His cock brushed at her inner thighs, painting them with pre-cum. He wanted desperately to stroke into her in one movement but his brain was nagging at him that something was wrong, wasn’t ready, wasn’t right. He thought about how hard it would be to pull out of her from this position and realised the issue.

He pressed his lips to hers, and kissed her breathless, before whispering against her lips that he would be right back. He stepped out of bed, cock jutting forth from his body, crossed the bedroom to their packs on the floor near the door. He crouched next to his giving her a view of his tight, muscular ass.

“What’s up, Joel?” she asked, lifting herself up to look at him.

“Just getting something,” he said, over his shoulder as he rummaged in his gear.

He came back to bed with one of the huge cartons of condoms he had picked up in the sex shop. He opened the box and removed the long strip of foil packets inside.

“Condoms?”

“Yeah.” He opened one of the packets. “Hope this’ll prevent a pregnancy.”

“Oh,” Ellie said, watching him handling the condom with intense interest.

“You want to do it?” he asked, holding out his index finger with the condom balanced on it like a slippery sombrero.

“Uh. What if I mess it up? We haven’t got that many.”

He stood in front of her, put his hands over hers, talked her through how to put one on and in under a minute he was ready. She scooted back to let him back into the bed. When he joined her, he came as close as he had been before, pulled her leg back over his and ran long caresses from the top of her back down her spine to her buttocks. He shifted her leg so that it was wrapped over his hip.

“You ready?”

“Please Joel,” she nodded.

He put the tip of his cock against her pussy, and rubbed back and forth through the lips, partly to get her used to the sensation, but also to pick up some moisture to ease his passage, even though she was soaked. He eased forward, pushing in the head of his cock. She exhaled heavily and her mouth made an ‘O’ of surprise.

“Still OK?” he asked, pausing in all movement and giving himself a chance to catch up some control over himself.

“Ohhhhh,” she gasped. “Feels… full. Strange. But fucking good. Joel.”

“Can I carry on?”

“Yesssssss.”

He continued moving into her, pressing on until his hips met hers and he was as deep as he could be in this position. He stopped again to savour the sensation of being inside her. She was hot and he could tell she was wet. Her muscles were clenching on him and she was so tight he felt each squeeze as a temptation to come. He wanted to ask if she was still OK but before he got the chance she was reassuring him.

“Please, Joel, give me more.”

He kissed her neck and rolled his hips back and forth as slowly as he could manage. He wanted her to have plenty of time to get used to it.

“I’m not hurting you?” he husked at her.

“No, but God I feel so fucking full. You’re so much bigger than your fingers.”

“Oh, Jesus Ellie,” he moaned, his cock twitching inside her.

Her mouth was open against his collarbone, her breath fast against his chest, ruffling the hairs there. He ground his pelvis against her body, and felt her clench with the pleasure of it. With one hand in her hair and the other on her hip he repeated the move and felt her hands grab at his ass when he did. With each thrust in he added a healthy grind against her and made her whimper over and over. When her legs began to shake and he felt her whole body begin to twitch he ground one final time before going still in her while she came apart in his arms.

He felt himself losing control when her pussy stroked and massaged him through her orgasm. Being inside her hot, soft and tight body had been incredible and this was the final straw for him. He gave only a few short thrusts before he shouted his own orgasm into the condom. He groaned and pressed his face into her hair.

“Oh, Ellie,” he moaned as he ground against her through the rest of his orgasm.

He pulled out of her faster than he would have liked in order to check that the condom was still intact. He might be a monster, but he wouldn’t make her pregnant if he could help it. He tied a knot in it and dropped it over the side of the bed to deal with later. She nuzzled into him, and he wrapped his arms round her.

“You good?” he asked with concern.

“Yeah, Joel. That was incredible.”

He couldn’t see any blood on the sheets so it was possible she wasn’t in pain. He hoped so, he would hate to have taken pleasure from her at the expense of her feeling pain.


	15. Jackson: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel and Ellie finally make it back to Jackson and settle down.

They arrived in Jackson in the early spring. Snow was still on the ground here and there, mostly on the northern faces of hills and rises, and anywhere it was shady. It was cold at night and often frosty in the morning but the journey hadn’t been as arduous as attempting it in winter. They had spent the worst of the winter in the farmhouse just North of Boulder, learning each other like a new language. The horses had carried their gear on the journey back but they’d walked most of it. It made the travel take longer but they could carry more that they had scavenged. Joel thought they might need it to get set up in town.

Tommy was surprised to see them so soon; he knew they couldn’t have made Salt Lake City and back yet, but true to his word found them a place to stay. It was in the shadow of the outer wall, which had made it unpopular with other residents, but that didn’t concern either Ellie or Joel. It gave them privacy which was far more valuable than a desirable location. The house had two bedrooms, electricity and at some point over the winter someone in Jackson had got the water system going. Going in a flush toilet was a novelty for them both at this point, but both of them appreciated having a bathtub to soak in that didn’t need hours of preparation. The kitchen had a wood stove replacing the old gas cooker and the original electric oven still worked.  People in Jackson talked about getting him a TV, Blu-Ray player or games console, if he wanted one. He thought about it and decided to ask Ellie before he did.

He’d traded fairly well on arrival. Joel had brought the meats and pelts like last time and Ellie had loaded up with books, school supplies and clothes. It meant that they had been able to make their home more comfortable. The town had supplied a king and a twin sized bed, a kitchen table and chairs, and a sofa. Joel had been able to get curtains, blankets and pots and pans to make the house a home. He’d even been able to trade a collection of news of the outside world he had seen, rabbit and deer skins, and a box of toiletries someone else had looted from a Bath and Body Works and shoved into their garage and left untouched, for a guitar. Joel had kept a huge bearskin from a drowsy grizzly bear that he’d killed shortly before they arrived in Jackson despite the offers made to make into a blanket for their bed. He wouldn’t have his Ellie be cold, even if it meant learning how to treat the skin so it wouldn’t rot.

Before they’d arrived, Ellie and Joel had discussed being open about their relationship. When Joel had pointed out that the majority of people in Jackson had been alive before the outbreak, Ellie conceded that maybe they should keep it under wraps until she at least turned 16. In a way he was relieved, and wanted to show his appreciation.

“Hey Ellie, I got you a little somethin’ to celebrate our new home.” he called as he came in through the front door.

“Oh, Joel. I didn’t get you anything.”

“Oh. Well, doesn’t matter, you didn’t know.” He was often blindsided by her lack of knowledge of the world before and he tried not to show his disappointment.

“Joel, I’ve had the perfect gift for you upstairs for the better part of a week.”

“Well, how about you go get it then?”

She left the living room, took the stairs at a gallop and returned with something hastily bundled in one of the floral pillowcases they used to make the spare room look lived in. He handed her a package about a foot tall and fairly bulky. She opened it to reveal a garden gnome, fishing, wearing a blue jacket, green hat and yellow pants, all freshly painted.

“Where the hell did you get this? Did you have to repaint it?” she asked, gleaming with excitement at the gift. He was glad that he had remembered her talking about gnomes all the way back in Lincoln, more than 10 months ago.

“Found it on a scavenging run to some place in the suburbs. And yeah, I had to paint it, but if Maria asks he came like that and you don’t know nothing about paint bein’ used for unofficial projects.”

She laughed. “Sure thing boss. Now open yours.”

He carefully unrolled the pillowcase and held it open. At the bottom was a set of wool shears. Two blades held together by a loop of flexible steel. Freshly sharpened too. Could take a finger off with those if you’re not careful, he thought.

“Scissors?” he asked, brow knotting in confusion.

“Yeah, for the house. Cause you don’t have to turn every set we come across into a shiv any more. I thought about getting you a knife from the blacksmith instead but I know how you like to improvise. So, yeah, scissors. D’you like it?” she asked, with a sudden flash of worry across her face. He needed her to know she’d picked well, it was a great gift that would make him smile every time he looked at it.

“Aw, c’mere you,” he said, pulling her close and pressing his lips to hers, dragging her into his lap on their couch.

“Too early Joel,” Ellie whispered with concern in her voice. He’d been very clear on the consequences for him if people found out about the two of them. They were careful to keep their embraces to the less public parts of their house, or to when the door was locked and the curtains closed.

He released her, and stepped away. He knew she was right, but found he couldn’t keep his hands off her in private. It probably wasn’t his fault since they were still in the honeymoon period and he’d been able to touch her however whenever when they were in the farmhouse. He felt like he was living in a country song.

*****

Joel was singing in the shower again. He hadn’t felt much like singing in the longest time but since he got hold of the guitar when they moved in he couldn’t seem to stop. He ran his hands over his chest, and found himself swaying from foot to foot in the warm water. Spring always reminded him of Sarah and he caught himself singing medleys of her favourite songs. He was glad that Ellie hadn’t lived before the outbreak because how was he going to explain him singing tweenie pop to her. If Tess had overheard him singing “That’s What Makes You Beautiful” rather than his usual rock ballads she might just have laughed herself sick. He didn’t care. The settled life made him feel safe unpacking his old memories and now, rather than being mugged by them he could hold them up to the light and feel the bittersweet happiness they brought. Ellie had been a huge part of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I regret nothing about my choice of singing material for Joel. He's always struck me as more into guitar based rock from the seventies and eighties mainly but there's plenty of parents just like that who are horrified at the musical preferences of their offspring. The point is that singing One Direction or whatever else his daughter loved is something he used to do to make her smile while she was still alive and now he finally doesn't feel like he's peeling a layer off his heart when he remembers that any more.


	16. Jackson: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor Cole Baxter.

They’d been living in Jackson for six months in their pretty little two-bedroomed house. She’d never slept in the spare, but they did their best to make sure nobody knew that. Joel mostly worked as a carpenter, using skills he hadn’t practiced in years to build and repair. It had felt for so long like all he could do was destroy and he felt like Ellie coming into his life was a huge part of the reason for the change. Ellie split her time between guard duty and hunting, gathering and scavenging. Her ferocious nature made her an asset to any team taking her out and she often returned with stories that made Joel glow with pride.

While he waited for her to come home one night, he picked up her battered paperback copy of “Station Eleven”. She had read it twice in the last few months, enjoying it so much she had pleaded with Joel to read it. He seated himself in the chair nearest the standard lamp, refusing to admit that he needed more light now to be able to see properly and began to read.

When Ellie came home he was already in bed, a situation that wasn’t unusual, but he was awake and waiting for her.

“So you know that book Station Eleven?” he asked, while she snuggled into his bare chest and he pretended it wasn’t making him too hot in the late summer weather.

“Yeah,” she replied, drawing out the word to make it a question.

“I started reading it. Think maybe you like it so much because Kirsten is kind of like you?”

“You did?” she asked, as she stroked his chest hair. “I think she’s more like Tess really. Lived through the collapse, you know?”

“I can see that,” he said. He was surprised that the mention of Tess brought neither the spike of pain at her loss or the guilt at his failure to protect her that it usually did.

“The motto makes me think of us,” he added.

“Really?” she replied, with a touch of surprise in her voice.

“Yeah, while we were out there on the road, we were just survivin’, right? And now, we’re not just scrapin’ by any more and life is better because of that. You know, more than just survivin’.”

“Aw, fuck Joel, you haven’t decided to go all deep on me have you?” she grinned and then pushed herself up on his chest to press her lips to his.

*****

There was just one problem with living in Jackson. Several months after they arrived a man showed up at the gates, coming from the South-East. He claimed to have found out about the town from a girl who escaped the same cannibal cult. He was tall, blonde and handsome, but with the coldest eyes Joel had seen on a survivor in years. He’d learned to fear people who looked like that, that they’d take what they wanted and kill you for trying to interfere. This guy Cole was going to be a problem.

“Joel, he’s talking about me,” Ellie breathed at the town meeting that was called to welcome all new residents.

“I know Ellie. Is any of what he said true?”

“He could have been there when you killed David. I don’t remember seeing him but like I told you before I didn’t spend all my time in their hospitality conscious. I definitely didn’t tell him about Jackson. I dunno, maybe his name really is Cole?”

“What about writing it anywhere?”

Ellie looked round at him with an expression of guilt he’d learned to read off his daughter’s face and the similarity made him feel slightly ill.

“What, what is it?”

“My diary. I wrote about how the university was a fucking waste of time and how we were going to be heading back to Jackson to live with Tommy.”

“Shit, we have to tell Maria, see what she wants to do.”

“Do you think they’ll take a guy who has lied to them?”

“I don’t know,” Joel said, tightly. He was thinking about how he has lied to the whole town about the nature of his relationship with Ellie, and what might happen when the town found out.

*****

Maria met them later that afternoon, but wasn’t that interested in what they had to say.

“I’ll be honest with you two, unless you have proof he’s a murderer or a rapist, then we are keeping him here. Dr Radcliffe has been rushed off her feet since the town has grown and we need all the medical expertise we can get. Cole is a doctor. He’s staying, even if he did read your diary as a prison guard when he was part of a cannibal commune.” Her tone suggested she didn’t believe their story.

“So what do we do now,” Ellie asked when they got back to their house.

“Not much we can do darlin’, ‘cept for keep away from the guy and hope he doesn’t want revenge.”

*****

They found out what he wanted after he tried to split them up at lunch one day.

“Hey, don’t I know you?” he asked Ellie.

“No, I don’t think so,” she said, turning to look for Joel.

“Yeah, sure I do. I’d remember eyes that pretty anywhere, and you sure do have a fine pair,” he said in a voice a close facsimile of friendly. It still left her cold.

“Uh, I think you have me confused with someone else, mister,” she stated flatly, as she gestured for Joel to come over.

Joel gave her their hunting signal for listen, then the signal for wait. He could hear them both clearly and would wait to see what the guy said before coming across.

“Oh, I don’t think I have you confused at all Ellie Williams. I’d like to thank you for the recommendation of a place to stay, by the way. A doctor can live like a king in a place like this. A guy like me, he could live like an emperor.” Cole inched closer. “Now tell me, is that guy you’ve been waving at your dad? Or is he, what was it? Ah, yes, ‘Super-hot fitty’ Joel?”

Ellie’s eyes widened, partly in shock and partly in fear. Nobody in town knew about them and they’d worked hard to keep it that way. What this guy would do with the knowledge Joel had no idea but they had to placate him somehow. He couldn’t go back to murdering people at the drop of a brick again. He went to join them.

“Ellie, who is your new friend?” he asked.

“I’m Cole, the new doctor in town,” the guy slimed.

“Well, nice to meet you sir, but Ellie and I have to be goin’.”

“Sure,” he said, before turning to Ellie and hissing “I’ll be in touch.”

*****

Joel had noticed how Ellie had changed during their time in Jackson. She’d turned 15, grown several inches, and gained some weight in a damned fine way. She had some very sexy curves that he still struggled to keep his mind off. Hell, truth be told, he struggled to keep his hands off them sometimes. Her hips were rounding out beautifully. He loved the way she had looked but found the changes equally alluring. He knew he’d changed as well. His face looked less haggard, less haunted. He’d put on a couple of pounds, and slept better which seemed to be getting rid of the dark circles under his eyes. He smiled more, he was happy.

Joel sat back on the sofa, arms spread across the back as he watched Ellie sorting their latest scavenging haul. Her kneeling position on the floor by the couch put her head at the same level as his cock, which was pressing out the front of his sweatpants at the thought of all those curves. She looked up at him, face then pants. He noticed and rolled his hips to pull attention to his dick. He smirked when her eyes went wide.

She walked over to him, climbed into his lap, put his hands on her hips and ass and kissed him hard. Her hands were in his hair and he found himself grinding his hips up into her.

“So,” Joel said, recalling something he’d heard earlier. “You called me a hottie in your diary?”

She put her face into his chest to hide her shyness.

“Yeah.”

“When was that?”

“Well. Before Colorado anyway,” she said, blushing.

“Oh darlin’, don’t be so embarrassed.”

Joel pulled her body to his. It felt good to know her attraction to him predated the desperate time after David. If he had to pick an exact moment his attraction for her started, it would be hanging upside-down in Bill’s trap all the way back in Lincoln, more than a year ago. He remembered his face pressed into her stomach, his hands on her hips, while her hands stopped his shoulders swaying. He couldn’t believe the two of them were still alive, still in each other’s company and, reflecting on his feelings back then, that he was happy about it.

“OK, so if you were attracted to me then, how come you never said anything before?”

“Didn’t know if you’d turn me into your personal sex slave,” she said with a grin.

He chuckled, even as he hardened further at the idea of ordering her around.

“Oh, but that doesn’t worry you anymore?” he smirked.

“Nah, I figure with everything you’ve shown me so far, being your sex slave could have its advantages.”

“C’mere,” he smiled, lifting her into his arms, kissing her and carrying her to their bed.

He stripped off their clothing like he had before, pressing his naked body to hers. He always liked to pause at this point to take her mouth and plunder it with his tongue.

“Can I lick your pussy, Ellie?” he asked breathlessly.

“God, Joel.”

He slid down the bed and sucked, licked, kissed and nuzzled at everything between her thighs. She writhed underneath him and moaned. He rose back up the bed, pulled her into his lap and thrust his erect cock deep into her tight pussy. Her legs wrapped over his thighs as he knelt between them. From here he could watch his dick disappear into her body which was always at the top of his to do today list. There’s also less worry that he’ll come inside her. They have some condoms but they have to ration them and both of them want sex more frequently than that would allow. While her bodyweight had risen, her cycle still hadn’t stabilised, so the rhythm method wouldn’t work for them. A baby wouldn’t be the easiest thing to explain, even to Dr Cole Baxter.

He moved his fingers to her clit, just pressing them against her and letting the motion of his hips provide the friction she needed to come. As she flew over the edge her mouth wide and panting he thought she’d never looked so beautiful. Her pussy clenched around him, pulsing and twitching and so, so tempting. He wrenched back and stroked himself twice before he came over her soft stomach. He reached over the side of the bed to grab the rag there, wiped off her stomach, wiped off his cock and lay down next to her. She turned to him, kissed his jaw and then rested her head on his chest.


	17. Jackson: Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel fights with Ellie because he's a dope. He finds out what the town does with people it doesn't want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter features a threat of sexual violence. If you'd prefer to skip it please skip to the next chapter when you reach the last set of stars.

Neither Ellie nor Joel rested easy after their first encounter with Dr Baxter. He had them both on edge. The intimacy they usually shared began to suffer, and they had several pointless fights, like many couples when they are stressed. He’d watched fights like this break his marriage down. Lucy cheating on him while she was away at college might have been the nail in the coffin, but they hadn’t had a healthy relationship for months before he walked into that dorm room to catch her at it. He knew that the same thing could happen here and yet he couldn’t seem to stop himself.

 Joel was fretting that Ellie would think that being with him wasn’t worth it. He’d never worried about losing her to another man, or another woman for that matter after she made her desires about dating either gender abundantly clear. But now he was worrying about her calling quits because of this other man. He had no idea how to go on living in the same town with her, watching her shack up with some other bastard and wondering if she does that thing with her tongue he taught her for him. When she intruded on this pity party, he snapped at her.

“What the fuck Joel, I asked you if you wanted some dinner and this is how you respond?” She looked genuinely affronted, which of course she had every right to be.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice softer but still thick with emotion. ”It’s just… d’you ever wonder about what you’ll do if this doesn’t work out?”

“You don’t think this will work out?” she asked, her voice cracking with the emotion.

Aw, crap. He’d made it worse. Now she looked like she might cry.

“That’s… that’s not how I meant it. Just seems like we’re fighting all the time and Cole wouldn’t have nothing to blackmail you with if it weren’t for me.” He sounded defeated. His head dropped, and his shoulders felt like they were crumbling under a heavy weight. “Maybe you’d be better off if we weren’t together.”

“Joel, just stop. Seriously, before you say something you can’t fucking take back. Have I ever given you a reason to think I don’t want you?”

He shook his head mutely, tears filling his brown eyes. She looked like she was about to rip his heart out in front of him and there was nothing he could offer her to stop it.

“Then accept this: I’m sticking around. I’m fighting for **this**. I want you and only you and Cole and anybody else that wants to split us up can learn to fucking like it. Now stop being such a dickhead and come get something to eat.” She was furious but her voice filled with love towards the end of her speech.

Her hand slipped into his and she tugged him into the other room. As he slipped into his seat he scrubbed his thick forearm across his face to dry his eyes. Ellie passed him a plate and pressed a kiss to his greying temple. He grabbed her as she turned to leave and pulled her into his lap.

“Can’t promise I won’t get ideas like that in my head again, darlin’. But I love you so I promise to talk about ‘em if it happens again.”

“Deal,” she said against his lips. “I love you Joel Miller. Now eat your stew before it gets cold.”

*****

Joel knew Cole had been bothering Ellie off and on and knew the guy creeped her out. He thought she might not be telling him the half of everything that was happening to keep him from going off the handle. So when Ellie asked if he wouldn’t mind walking her home from the stables after her hunting shifts were done, he had to know why, because his mind was conjuring up a whole lot of very uncomfortable images for him.

“C’mon Ellie, you know I’m gonna do it; just tell me what’s goin’ on.”

“I can’t Joel,” she said, face turned away from him.

“Why the hell not?” he asked sharply.

“Because if I do I’m afraid you’ll kill him. You know Maria is founder of the Dr Baxter fan club. If anything happens to him here will be the first place she’ll look.” Ellie was very matter of fact about it. It left him feeling cold with fury.

“Why would I want to kill him Ellie? Did he put his hands on you,” Joel demanded as the temperature of his rage rose from hot to boiling. There was always the opportunity for it to enter the nuclear realm he learned that slimy prick had put hands on his girl. The fact that the slimy prick was a good decade or more younger than him and a potentially attractive partner for a young woman had nothing to do with it. He refused to accept that at least part of his anger was jealousy over a relationship that did even exist.

Joel knows he can’t just kill the guy but the town must have ways of getting rid of people doing more harm than good. Maria might not want to listen to him but Tommy knows the way the town works as well as anyone. As he started to leave the house, sticking his Colt in the back of his jeans as normal, Ellie caught him by the arm.

“Joel! You can’t just kill the guy because you don’t like the way he leers at me.”

“Darlin’, I can. I’m not going to, at least not right now. I’m goin’ to visit Tommy to see if there’s anything we can do to get rid of that guy. I promise.” He left the house in the early evening sunshine and headed straight to Tommy and Maria’s. It was in the opposite direction from his house than the good doctor’s house and that was only a good thing because it was stopping him from heading over there to cave the guy’s head in.

*****

As Joel entered Tommy and Maria’s bungalow and turned left into the den he found Tommy on the couch throwing a grubby red towel over something on the low coffee table that looked like metal and bone. He was curious as to why it had to be hidden, but not enough to ask about it.

“Hey little brother, what’s going on?”

“Hi Joel, uh, not much. You want a beer? I swear those guys over in the brewhouse are doing real good work now.”

“Sure.”

They moved into the kitchen, took two green glass bottles of lager from the stained and off-white fridge and leaned against the sun faded and chipped formica worktops. Hazards of age, Joel thought. They popped the swing-tops of the beer and Joel was glad that at least this batch wasn’t so over-carbonated as to shower him with suds like the last lot he’d had a few weeks ago. Brewing might be a science but clearly in Jackson it wasn’t an exact one.

“So what’s up Joel? You’ve not exactly been buddy-buddy with me since you got here. I mean, I swear I didn’t know what was goin’ on or I would’ve told you. Not the point. I know you didn’t just come over here to drink my beer.” Tommy had an expression that clearly said he missed his brother and regretted not sharing his gut feeling over what the Fireflies had been up to when he had the chance. Joel forgave him, thinking back he probably wouldn’t have believed his brother at the time.

Joel took a swig of cold, hoppy beer. He missed being able to grab a bottle of beer whenever he wanted. This conversation wasn’t likely to be easy either so he planned to savour the beer for as long as he could. He had to be careful how much he gave away. There was no way Tommy wouldn’t be suspicious that something was up. He decided it was better to approach it head on, like ripping off a Band-Aid.

“Just, y’know, hypothetically, what would happen if, say, someone committed a crime?” he asked, haltingly.

“Somethin’ going on I should know about?” Tommy asked, instantly thinking of the good of the town. It was just like him to get caught up in the wider ideals. Joel could cut straight through that with a shiv to find himself the best solution for himself and now for his budding family.

“No. No, nothing like that. I just want to know how the system works.”

“Well, it depends really. Small scale stuff, like fighting, missing work details and stealing we agree a restitution. Like Steve when he kicked the crap out of Danny for kissing his wife, we took the two of them together and finally agreed Steve would take two of Danny’s shifts on the walls. Could’ve been more but Danny agreed he’d deserved it. If that doesn’t work, we can issue extra work details, or we can cut off power and water. The well still works, so nobody is in danger of dying of thirst.” He took a long swallow of beer.

“What about more serious crimes?” Joel asked, aiming for casual.

“I was gettin’ to that. Last year, old man Roberts went crazy, killed his wife and their kid, Lily. She was only a teenager, a bit younger than your Ellie.”

Joel tried not to flinch at the mention of “his” Ellie.

“What did you do?”

“We caught him, locked in the garage of the house down by the cookhouse. Use it as a jail. Found out the whole damn sad story in bits from his neighbours and then from him as well when he confessed. Then we took him out to this derelict town about 50 miles away. There’s a place there we put exiles. It’s safe enough for them to make their choice about what to do. Never been back there to find a body, that’s all I’m saying. We leave ‘em a pistol with a single round. Rest of their stuff is forfeit.”

“Like bein’ marooned by pirates,” Joel muttered.

“That answer your question?”

“Uh, yeah Tommy thanks. For the beer too,” he said while standing up straight and setting down the mostly empty bottle.

“Hey, wait. You can’t go without tellin’ me what this is about.” He caught Joel by the shoulder as he was heading through the door. “Joel, if there’s somethin’ goin’ on, I need to know about it.”

“It’s nothin’ little brother, don’t go worryin’ about it,” Joel grumbled as he headed out the door.

“Well, Joel, you gotta come by for dinner sometime soon. It’s crazy havin’ you in the same town but never seein’ you.”

“I’ll think about it,” he said, knowing that if he asked Ellie she would want to go. Maybe he should accept the invite. Enough time had gone by and enough wrong had been done by both sides that it might be time to bury that hatchet.

*****

As Ellie told it, Cole had waited until she was alone, walking back from her duty on the wall, then grabbed her and dragged her into an alley. He’d pressed her face into the cement wall and rubbed his body against her back. He’d been pretty clear, breathing foul stink into her and telling her if she went and had sex with him, he wouldn’t tell anyone about Joel and her.

Joel was outraged and ready to kill the guy all over again. He couldn’t touch Ellie that way for fear of reminding her of the assault by David and he couldn’t imagine how afraid she must have been, being in a position the same as before and being threatened with sexual violence again. Besides Ellie was his and he didn’t plan on sharing her with anyone, ever.

“We can’t give him what he wants Ellie. If we do we’ll never be rid of this guy.”

“I know,” she commented, with tears in those beautiful green eyes.

“Sides, I ain’t sharin’ you, not with anyone.” He said, taking her into his arms, and using a big thumb to brush the tears away from her eyes.

“Except for Emma Stone if she ever shows up. I know, we’ve talked about it love,” she said, her voice muffled from her face being turned into his shirt.

He smiled. Her sense of humour was currently still intact. He didn’t know how long that would last or whether they may or may not fight over this exact joke at some point in the near-future but for right now he was happy that she was coping. At least one of them was.


	18. Jackson: Part Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cole shows up on their doorstep. Joel needs Ellie again.

Joel opened the door and couldn’t believe that Cole was on their doorstep.

“What the fuck do you want?” he growled.

“I think you know the answer to that, chief. Stay calm now, can’t have the neighbours wondering why you hate on the doctor, can we?”

“Fuck you, Cole, I could give two shits what they think.”

“Now we both know that isn’t true. If it was they’d all know about your sordid little secret. Which reminds me, I came to make sure Ellie comes to see me. I know she won’t come through choice. You may even have to make her. And it will taste all the more sweet for it. I’d have thought that would make sense to a guy like you. You’re so like me in that regard. It’ll be a shame to have to get rid of you.”

With that Cole turned and left Joel and Ellie’s doorstep. Joel had had to swallow his anger when he saw who wanted to invade his personal space. He was struggling to keep it under control at the suggestion he and Cole were alike. Cole wanted something from Ellie she didn’t want to give him and was enjoying the idea. The idea she might not want what Joel gave her made him sick, and he had often checked she did in fact want him, not just any guy in the early stages of their relationship.

 Joel was thankful Ellie was still at work on the walls. He wouldn’t be able to take much more of this. He knew he’d have to sort it out once and for all. Right now, however, there was a sharper need that he felt. He paced their living room, couch to window, window to bookshelf, bookshelf to table, table to couch over and over, feeling more and more trapped with each step.

Ellie walked through the door buoyed with stories to tell, filled with excitement over the Carter twins she saw on her way here until she caught sight of his face.

“What’s wrong?”

“Need you, need you now,” he growled, his eyes dark with burning lust.

It wasn’t the first time that he’d taken comfort from her body, but it was the first time it was like this. Need burned him inside. He whipped his shirt off, dropped it to the floor in their lounge then grabbed her, threw her over his substantial shoulder, placed a hand on her ass to hold her steady and raced up the stairs with all the abandon of youth, ignoring 48 years of hard living on his joints.

He dropped her to her feet in their bedroom. Joel stripped her of all of her clothes, almost ripping a few things in his haste. He took a moment to drink her in. She looked so beautiful to him. He pushed down his pants and underwear, stepping out of them and moving towards her.

He shuttled her ahead of him towards the bed, pushed her down and climbed between her knees, his erection huge, solid and weeping with unrestrained lust. Controlling himself was a challenge but he wouldn’t hurt her. He knew she could take him when she was well prepared, but he could hurt her if he just drove in.

He trailed his fingers between her legs and found her too dry. He dropped his head to lick at her, drawing his tongue over all of her flesh, soaking her. She began to squirm and voice her enjoyment. When Joel moved his tongue in tight circles around her clit she came, moaning his name. He dragged the orgasm out for as long as possible before he climbed back up her body.

His drooling cock was not diminished by the interlude and his desire to be inside her was close to overwhelming. She reached for him, wrapped one hand around his waist while the other grabbed his dick and pointed him inside her. He pressed in with one smooth movement, snapping his hips at the end to push himself as deep as possible. He didn’t have it in him to go slow right now, and while grinding might wind him up normally, right now he needed something else. He pounded into and out of her, fierce and hard. He heard himself growling on each in thrust.

“Mine.” He repeated it over and over, his voice growing hoarse and rough.

Ellie grabbed his ass with one hand and bit his shoulder. He grimaced slightly at the pain of it, but it was helping. He was breathing like a horse at full gallop, fast, hard and desperate. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her breasts, moving in alluring circles with each thrust. He wished he could look at her face but he didn’t want to see the disappointment, or the upset, that he expected to be painted there. When he finally looked up he saw nothing in her face but lust and it drew his breath away. He leaned forward to kiss her, hard.

His thrusts sped up out of nowhere until, inevitably, he was pulling back and spilling onto her stomach. He kneeled back from her body rather than holding himself close enough to kiss like he would normally. His face was twisted into a contortion that had to reflect the pleasure and pain he was feeling. He was a little ashamed of how he had just used her like some type of toy. He’d have done better with his old Fleshlight if he just wanted to orgasm. The fact that he had made sure she came as well had nothing to do with it. The idea that he was staking a claim on her body was in many ways, much worse. He hated not being able to claim her in public.

He’d usually get up for a towel or rag to clean her up, but he was worn out. He collapsed against her, and rolled to one side quickly in deference to her continued dislike of him weighing her down. As his breathing slowed to normal, Ellie spoke up:

“So Cole?”

“Cole,” he growled. He hated the guy for getting to him like this.


	19. Jackson: Part Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fall.

It was a later summer afternoon; one of those days when the sunshine seems like it’ll last forever. The whole town had gathered for music, dancing, food and beers for the Founder’s Day Festival. The festival celebrated the reclaiming of the town from the infected, and it being set up as a non-military self-sustaining settlement. They slaughtered a pig to roast whole over a huge fire. There was a stage set up with space for dancing and they had both recorded music and live acts from members of the town. A couple of Joel’s friends from the carpentry crew had suggested he might want to sing after they’d heard him when he was finishing planks. He declined but told them he would next year.

Joel had spun Ellie out on the dancefloor, and then watched as she shared dances with two of the young men she manned the wall with, Andrew and Joe. He’d tried to keep his jealousy in check, or at least from being written all over his face. He knew she wouldn’t stray, but it still killed him seeing another man with his hands on her. It had to be at least partly to do with Cole and his clearly stated intentions. He had seen Cole earlier, swinging a couple of different young ladies out for a dance and Joel tried to steel himself in case he asked Ellie.

When Esther came along and asked him to dance, he didn’t see the harm. She was a pretty woman for her age, around two years or so older than him. People kept trying to push the two of them together. To outside appearances they had both been single since they got to Jackson. It was a shame he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like Esther where he could shout about it to the whole town and nobody would care. He strangled that thought before it got the chance to take off and looked round for Ellie.

“You’re mighty protective of your little girl, Joel,” she said.

“She ain’t my daughter,” Joel corrected her.

“Yes, I’ve meant to ask about that. Bit unusual, you two living together don’t you think?”

“I promised someone I’d take care of her and that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t much care for whether you think it’s unusual or not. End of discussion.”

Joel sensed Esther’s displeasure at him shutting the conversation down like that, but frankly he didn’t care. He couldn’t see Ellie and while he’d seen Cole out on the dancefloor earlier he couldn’t spot him either. He stormed off the dancefloor and began searching side streets and alcoves.

Just before he reached the next alley he heard a shriek that was painfully familiar. He sprinted the last few yards and arrived to see Cole forcing Ellie to her knees and unbuttoning his pants. She was fighting against him but Joel knew she wasn’t winning. Cole had to be close in size to Joel and he could force Ellie to do anything he wanted.

He didn’t stop to think twice. He just threw himself at Cole, smashing his huge fist into his face with as much force as his muscular arms could muster. The guy was between his knees, underneath him while his fists rained down onto his face. Joel could hear roaring and he was pretty sure it was coming from him as he discharged all the hatred and rage and fear he had felt down the lightning rod of delivering a beating.

Next thing he knew Tommy was shoving him off the slumped body beneath him. People were helping a sniffling Ellie up and he wanted more than anything to comfort her but didn’t trust himself to keep it crowd-friendly. Maria arrived, took one look at the scene and started giving orders.

“Someone run for Dr Radcliffe, we will need her to check over Dr Baxter.  Tommy, you take Joel home and make sure he stays there. Ellie, are you happy to go home with him or do you want to stay somewhere else tonight?” She waited until a still tearful Ellie shook her head. “Fine, someone will be across to talk to both of you tomorrow. Now get out of my sight.”

“What the fuck Joel?” Ellie erupted as soon as they were alone.

“Excuse me?” Joel raged. “I stopped that guy from forcing himself on you and you’re mad at **me**?” The adrenaline in his system was making him jittery and he couldn’t think straight right now.

“You hit him and now he’s going to tell everyone everything,” she said, her face crumpling as her adrenaline fled and left her tearful.

Joel took her into his arms and pressed his forehead against hers.

“Don’t worry,” he murmured to her, “everything will turn out alright.”

*****

The door slammed open and a mob of guys burst in. Joe grabbed Joel’s arm so he slugged him and the younger man broke off. Someone else grabbed Ellie and yanked her away from him. He fought against a sea of bodies to get to her.

“Ellie,” he yelled, half-crazed with panic. He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep her safe if she wasn’t with him.

“She’s going where you can’t hurt her anymore,” the voice of one of the men binding his hands said.

He was rushed toward the doorway so fast that he tripped and ended up in the mud of the driveway. As he lay still, he knew what was about to happen, and he felt sick with the fact that he hadn’t been able to keep Ellie safe. It didn’t matter to him that they were going to beat him. It mattered to him that he had handed Ellie over to the creep that wanted her. Several boots arrived in his vision, none of them Ellie’s, and rather than help him up, these feet began to kick him.

“Alright guys, he’s had enough,” came a voice. “Don’t kill him.”

The beating halted. Whoever new voice was he was clearly in charge. Joel couldn’t place it but it didn’t matter over much. The boots that belonged to the new voice appeared in his vision as he tried to turn to look up at his face.

“Never come back to Jackson,” he said. “We shoot exiles on sight.”

Then a sharp pain in his left temple and everything went black.


	20. Exiled: Part Two (Ellie)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie figures out what has happened and races after her Joel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: moderately graphic sexual violence in the start of this chapter. Skip to the first section of stars if you'd prefer to miss it.
> 
> Also suicide notes in this chapter. They are in italics if you'd prefer to skip those

When they’d first told her she was safe now, she was confused. She was safest with Joel and he wasn’t here so how could she be safe. It’s not like she was unfamiliar with the concepts of molestation, rape or incest. It’s just none of them applied to her. Ellie had spent the night in a panic. They might be calling her safe now, but she knew with Joel gone Cole would take the chance. She wasn’t wrong. She was sitting on their couch when he showed up in the late morning the day after Joel was taken. He leered at her.

“I knew they’d toss out your Daddy if I told them about you. The two of you. They all think the two of you are sick, a dad having sex with his baby girl. Course, if they knew what I have planned for you, they’d string me up by the balls.” His bruised face looked awful, but it was the expression in his eyes that haunted Ellie.

She had backed away from him before ending up in the kitchen. She picked up Joel’s scissors from the bench and stuck them into the back of her pants.

“Look, we both know you’re going to do this. Can I make one request?” she asked.

“Depends what it is, but I’ll try to be accommodating.”

“Not here. I can’t do it here.”

“Fine, my place isn’t far away. We can go there,” he said. Then he held out his hand. “I’ll be taking those shears from you now though. I don’t think you’ll need them.”

Reluctantly she put them into his hand. He put them down on a side table in the hallway, and then put his arm around her shoulders like he was comforting her. He walked her to his house, less than five minutes away. When they got inside he pinched his fingers around her shoulder making her gasp with pain. He slapped her face hard and told her he would hurt her if she misbehaved. Then he pushed her to her knees and unbuttoned his pants.

“Get it out,” he ordered.

She did as he asked and released his genitals with the barest amount of touching possible. She stroked him and his head went back and he closed his eyes. She took the opportunity to free her switchblade from its hiding place in her belt. When he leered down at her she struck and cut off his balls. He hardly noticed at first, the blade was so sharp, but the rapid blood loss left him woozy. He passed out. She left him and ran back to the house she used to share with Joel.

*****

In case she had to beat a hasty retreat, she packed all their gear: guns, knives, hunting kit, her new crossbow, and Joel’s old recurve. Blankets, food, personal gear and survival gear came next. Finally, luxuries, like her copy of Station Eleven and Joel’s guitar. She bagged everything and left it on the floor of the living room before stepping out to saddle Callous and Horse in the lean-to stable Joel had built attached to the house.

Everything prepared she went into her house breaking kit and grabbed her hammer. Last night, everything in his bearing had said Tommy knew where they had taken Joel. He never could lie for shit. She ran to the bungalow he shared with Maria. She would be out, busy governing but after a hectic night Tommy would still be asleep. She entered silently and had Tommy bound before he even woke up. She pointed her pistol at him and ordered him into the garage where she seated him on a chair.

“Tell me where he is Tommy.”

“No! No fucking way. If he’s done what the good doctor says he has then he should stay there and rot.”

“Don’t fuck around Tommy. Tell me where he is or I’ll start breaking fingers.”

His face appeared utterly incredulous. Until she hit his left index finger with the full force her body could muster. He screamed and she moved closer.

“Tell me, or I’ll kill you,” she said, calmly.

“No Ellie, I won’t do it.”

She had to break two more fingers before he cracked and told her where to find him. When she realised he had left his brother to die she broke the rest of his fingers in her rage.

She sprinted home at a dead run, loaded up the horses and trotted to the main gate. At the gate she levelled Joel’s sawn-off shotgun in the face of Mark, the gate-guard today and told him if he didn’t open the gate for her, she’d blow his head off. News was getting round about Cole bleeding out and while he might face some ridicule for being intimidated by a teenager, he preferred staying alive to the alternative.

*****

There were two letters, one addressed to Ellie and one to Tommy. She figured since she wouldn’t be seeing that spineless prick any time soon, she would read both. It might have been Tommy that had told her how to find this place, but he could have done more. He could have stuck up for his brother, could have gotten him all his gear, could’ve fought for them shoving him out the gate rather than dumping him here in this death-trap, two days ride away without anything including his damn boots. Probably could have gotten them to rein in on the beating as well. Some things aren’t forgivable.

She had ridden solidly for a day and a half to get here. It must have felt dreadfully like a bit over a year ago to Callous, the horse she had stolen all those months ago. She had switched horses twice, once in at sundown and again at sunrise. She got to the derelict town in the late afternoon and rode straight for the house Tommy had screamed that they had left Joel. She picked up the folded stack of pages with her name on first. She took a deep breath, trying to steel herself for what she would find, and began to read:

_My darlin’ Ellie,_

_Nothing could soften the blow of what you’re about to read, and for that I’m sorry. We both knew it was likely I’d die before you, but I’m truly sorry that it’s after so short a time together. You know those comics you read, their slogan, “Endure and Survive”. That was enough for me before I met you. But since then it has been like that book you read. Station 11, I think. They say in that that “Survival is Insufficient” and when you first told me I thought you were crazy. Some years that was all that there was in front of me. But since we’ve been living together, I get it. It’s not enough to survive if there’s no softness in your life. That’s you: you make my life softer and I’ve been grateful for it every damn day. I loved you with everything that I had. I’m so sorry it’s ending like this._

_It was probably Tommy that brought you this letter. I know he knew where I was because he gave me some of my stuff. Please try not to be too hard on him. It can’t have been easy for him, trying to figure out how to help me. Whatever he says to do with my body: leave it where it is or burn it or whatever, do as he says. Ellie, I mean it. I trust him, you should to._

_I love you, forever and always._

_Joel._

Ellie realised early in the letter that Joel planned to kill himself, which wasn’t surprising, considering everything that she knew about the man. He’d said before that he wouldn’t be able to get over her dying if she had. She also realised with a gasp that he must have written to Tommy where he planned to die. She read Tommy’s letter fast, hoping she had enough time.

_Tommy,_

_You fucking prick, of course you’ll look after Ellie. No matter what you think about me, and you’ve made your thoughts on that pretty fucking clear, the girl has done nothing wrong. As for rape and incest and all that bullshit I’ve been sent here for: go fuck yourself. I’d never touch Ellie, touch any woman that way and you know it._

_I’m **only** writing to you because I’d rather my loving brother found my body and not the love of my life. She’s suffered enough in her life and it seems to me you could stand to suffer a little more for your sins._

_The house is five streets away South, two over West. It’s the 4 th house in the block, on the left as you travel south. Can’t miss it, got a huge chunk of roof missing. At the very least, come see me so you can Ellie the truth of how I died. _

_Joel_

Ellie took off, first sprinting back to the horses while she folded the pages and tucked them into her coat, and then on horseback, half-hoping, half-praying to a God she didn’t believe in that somehow she would be in time.

She rode down the street at close to a gallop paying no attention to anything other than reaching Joel in time. She reached the right block, jumped from the horse into the yard of the right house. She was just walking to the door when she heard the shot.

“JOEL!” she screamed, falling to her knees.

“Ellie, stay there, I’m coming down.”

She could have sworn she heard him, but grief turned her vision swimming with tears and her hearing faded out. Someone put their arms around her, and stroked her back. They were speaking in a soft, soothing tone she found familiar. She buried her head in their chest and wept, until she sucked in a deep breath through the shirt and recognised the smell of the man holding her. She dashed the tears from her eyes.

“Joel?”

“I’m not hurt,” he said. “Clicker was tracking you.”

He pointed at the corpse of a clicker between them and the horses. She kissed him with everything she had, pouring each of the overwhelming emotions of the last two days into his mouth. Everything she gave, he returned.

“What now?” he asked when they finally broke apart.

“We can’t go back to Jackson. Don’t think we’ll be welcome after what I did your prick of a brother.”

“What did you do to Tommy?” he asked.

“He wouldn’t tell me where you were. So I broke every single one of his fingers.”

“Fuck, Ellie,” he said, shocked. “Well, I did teach you how to get information people didn’t want to give you.”

“You did,” she said, nuzzling at his bearded chin.

“We need to go,” he suggested.

“Yeah. And Joel, if you ever think about killing yourself again, I’ll fucking murder you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there you have it. Twenty chapters of Joellie. My first fan-fic, totally unbetaed so if you spot mistakes then I would love you to point them out. 
> 
> I have no idea what possessed me to write a fanfic almost entirely from the point of view of a man (which I'm not) twenty years or more older than me. Hopefully that discomfort doesn't shine through too much in my writing. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Please leave a comment if you did, I'd love to hear from you. Thanks for reading.


End file.
